i play dead --* [SEVERUS]

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

Horrified, terrified, stupefied, petrified…

Lily could have put it to poetry and, even then, nothing could be properly conveyed. Her insides were a muddle and a half; a horrid, swirling maelstrom of confusion, regret and unease. She had been in this time for little over a week and she had already mucked it up. It felt so weird being in a place and time like this, and there had been moments where she did not even feel like herself at all. It was almost as if she were fitting into the shoes of something much bigger and better, but she could not help but trip and stumble when she took her first steps. She had done something reprehensible and, what was worse, she didn’t know why she had done it. In some ways, she felt almost outside of herself, watching as her body and mind went through the motions of something that Lily would have never considered previously.

She preened, flirted with and touched him. It was all wildly inappropriate, and poor Severus was the victim of something he had no control over: an impulsive, hormonal teenaged girl. She didn’t even know where it had come from, really. Lily in the past had thought she had gotten over Severus in some shape or fashion (even though part of her knew she hadn’t), but in the very least she had thought she had her impulses under control. That was the second action that day where her emotions took over and led her to do something she otherwise wouldn’t have, and what had it gotten her in return? Mortification as he not only rejected her, but made her realize that she had been acting no more than some common harlot.

What was she thinking?

Lily knew she couldn’t avoid Severus, even though she tried her damnest. Lily wasn’t usually the sort to run away from her problems, especially when she was shacked up with them, but in a private little existence like this, who had to know she was being an awful coward? She didn’t even know what she could possibly say to him, much less even approach the topic with enough civility to make herself seem like she had gotten past it. There were so many things she didn’t know about him, much less what he could have been thinking. When she had apologized originally, he responded in that fashion that understanding adults usually used on girls like her – “Oh, I understand, it’s fine,” condescension in the undertone as if she were learning some lesson about herself. She felt like she were a five year old pronouncing a crush on her teacher, and him becoming flattered and finding it “cute.”

That’s what the situation was, really. He was a grown man now. She was on the cusp of adulthood. He had already lived a great portion of his life; she was yet to start hers. He had so much more experience and insight… and she, well… She just wasn’t like that. And yet there was still something about him that felt so accessible, something that ringed a pleasant bell inside her. What if he had a lover already and Lily had just trounced upon another woman’s claim? Lily had never dreamed of wanting to be a home-wrecker. She would certainly have to apologize again…

With a sigh, Lily laid against her bed, playing with the tips of her toes as the daylight (or what could have been considered daylight in a place like Cokeworth) seeped in through the windows. She didn’t like being cooped up like this, but she didn’t even have a choice. The window was left open for the chance of any owls to arrive for her, though Iasa or Rhia hadn’t written back for a little bit. She supposed they had gotten busy with their own lives. They couldn’t always have time for Lily and her grievances. It only made her feel lonelier though, even though there was company just downstairs. But a confrontation with him left a horrible taste in her mouth and a shiver down her spine… She wasn’t ready for that. Lily had her hair pulled over her left shoulder, and was braiding it idly as she listened to the ancient sounds of the house. Occasionally she would catch Severus’ footsteps as he traversed through his home, her own body freezing in slight twinges of fear, before she relaxed and went at her leisure again.

I don’t know how I’m going to last the summer.

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Severus Snape had let Lily have some time to herself, feeling that she was confused enough without his help to make it worse. The encounter the two had created a sort of tension that had yet to be unresolved between the two of them. He thought about her every second on, which caused his strategies he was supposed to prepare for the Order late, but Dumbledore seemed to understand, and allowed him time to relax and get everything cleared up in his life. No one else had to know anything, not even about Lily Potter, no, Lily Evans. He had to act as though she was a different person, even if she was just as he remembered her. Severus had to control himself, and if he kept thinking of her as the woman he loved so very much, he didn’t know how long he would be able to keep his emotions under the unstable wraps they were under when he was around Lily.

For a while, he had walked by her door; occasionally he would be tempted to knock and try to talk about the encounter, but every time he convinced himself that it wasn’t time yet. Memories of her embracing him, and kissing his nose kept flashing in his memory, even when he was just sitting and reading a newspaper. It was almost like he could still feel her with him, but he couldn’t allow those feelings to seep out. He tried so hard to regain his senses after it, and even now he couldn’t even get his mind off of her. Lily had some sort of power of him to affect him, the man known for hiding his emotions the best, and he couldn’t seem to stop it. She was his Kryptonite.

He was stunned, so very stunned that she had kissed him, on the nose, but she still kissed him. It meant that she liked him; she really liked him. It was either that or she didn’t know what she was doing. He told himself the second was true, which was why he let her have time to think about it to herself. She had said herself that she did not know who he was today, since he had grown up a lot in the years he had that she didn’t. Severus had grown up, but during that encounter he felt years younger, as if he had jumped back in time to when he was in Hogwarts again.

Severus was downstairs, thinking of when he would have to go and talk with her. They couldn’t go the whole summer with her avoiding him. He didn’t want to not see her. What would’ve been the point of her coming back only for him to never see her? Severus stood slowly, and began up the stairs, wondering if he should approach her today, soon. He missed her dearly; he wanted to see her again. To see those emerald eyes complimenting her beautiful red hair would be more than he could ever wish for. It seemed that even though he found out about her just a few days ago, he couldn’t seem to stand to be away from her for too long, or he would be tempted to search for her. It took the years of his experience in hiding emotions and controlling his impulses to be able to give her the time he did.

Deciding that time would not help much more, Severus ventured to Lily’s room, stopping front of the door. He took a deep breath, regaining as much emotional control as he could, before he knocked on the door lightly. “Lily,” Severus said loud enough to go through the door, “May I come in?” He wouldn’t barge into her room without permission of course. He had spent a long time thinking of what he would say to her about their encounter. He had planned it out to where he did not have to reveal his true feelings, but try to be not like a professor who just found out a student has a crush on them. But as all his plans seem to go with her, it probably would not go like he wanted it to go.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

There had been a long silence and ten braids before she could hear Severus’ footfalls crawling slowly up the stairs. Lily felt the all-too-familiar quiver down the length of her spine, making her suddenly alert to her surroundings. She focused intently as the sounds found themselves nearing closer and closer, until they stopped just outside her room. She wasn’t exactly sure to make of the stillness, and immediately fell taciturn. Seconds later there was a light knock upon her door, with his stern voice sneaking through the cracks. He was asking her permission to come in. She wasn’t sure why but he wanted access to her. A sinking feeling in her stomach told her he must have wanted to talk about what had happened a couple nights prior… Horror struck her.

She wasn’t ready for that sort of confrontation yet. She wasn’t even sure she would ever be ready for it. Lily had explained the situation plainly to Iasa – she had done something terrible in a reckless feat of bravery and he rejected her, just as she always knew he would, even at a young age. Lily didn’t like rejection. It made her viscera turn sour and her heart throb painfully from agony she could not explain. Lily had always been terrible at romance… It was one of her most debilitating flaws. She, Lily Evans, who was usually rather good at everything, could not for the life of her be romantic or deal with things like dating or lust in a proper manner. That very reason was probably why she had been so shocked that she had ever married at all, much less have a child. Perhaps as she got older she learned, but as of now, she was still seventeen and still very awkward.

But perhaps he didn’t want to speak of these things. Perhaps she was being paranoid and he wished to speak to her on some other manner, like Potions or how they could get her new clothes. Maybe he had word on Rhia’s living situation and had come to give her good or bad news. Perhaps he needed her to do some chores, or maybe he needed to tell her that she would be alone in the house while he went on some sort of official business. Anything, anything besides how horrible she acted that night… No matter how much it made her tingle whenever she thought about it.

No, she couldn’t admit that. Lily would never admit that.

Lily sat up slightly, allowing her knees to pin themselves as the rest of her legs spread outward. She pulled the braids from her hair, allowing the now curled hair to cascade down her back. Emerald green eyes were fixated upon the door, even though she desperately didn’t want to answer so that he would leave. Though, she knew she couldn’t avoid this forever… “It’s your house,” she answered flatly, deciding it would be best to seem a little distant. She didn’t want him to pick up on her fear… She didn’t want his pity. She just wanted to forget the whole thing ever happened.

The door opened. Her eyes took in his image immediately (as well as a few other things) and she caught his gaze. Lily bit her lip, cocking her head to the left as she asked him: “What is it?”

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Severus had stood there for what seemed like days, waiting for her answer, when in reality was just a few seconds. In those few seconds, he began second guessing himself, and while staying still, was tempted to just continue on, and pretend that she had just imagined his knock. He stared at the door, second guessing his plan, wondering if he should truly start the way he was going to start. He had worked it all out logically, but would it be better just to rip off the band-aid? Severus was not one for running from his problems, just as Lily wasn't, but now he was questioning himself right before it, as he could hear Lily yelling at him, or getting upset at him for pretending the encounter never happened. If he was not as in control of himself, and if he was more like Lily with emotions, then he would be mad that he had pretended like it never happened; it was an amazing moment for him.

Just as Severus was going to walk off, she told him it was his house, hearing her voice had discouraged him, and encouraged him at the same time. His logical side told him to just walk off and pretend nothing had happened, but his emotional side told him to go into the room and tell her everything that he was feeling. He took one step away, before he stepped back, and opened the door, looking fairly calm, despite the arguments going on between the two sides of his mind. His emotional side was craving attention, as no one had been able to free it from the bonds he had placed up all around himself, until Lily came along bouncing back into his life. And the tired logical side was breaking down thanks to the pestering of his hungry emotional side, even if the logical side was still winning in his brain. The logic was not so tired that a malnourished side of his mind could beat it.

"I wish to talk to you about..." Severus paused for one second, before making a split decision between the two sides of his brain; one for the plan, and one for ripping the band-aid, "Your son. I do not believe that I have had the time to tell you about the troubles he's faced, but more importantly about Voldemort. Once you can move freely, I have a feeling Dumbledore will wish you to join the Order, after graduation of course, and being left out of the loop is something that would hurt such a joining of the group." Logic had won over again, even though his emotional side was eating through, like it had gained vitality from Lily's reappearance, beating down his well fed logic.

Severus Snape walked a little bit in the room, not closing the door yet, as it showed the fact that he could still go if he really wanted to. He wanted to just leave, but the fact that his logic had won had reassured him that he could keep his cool around Lily. It was actually odd that his logic was as strong as ever and emotions as subdued as ever around everyone, except Lily. There was just something about her that made him feel so uneasy, yet loved and just plain amazing. Maybe it was because his emotions had been so malnourished over the years, that he had forgotten how they felt, and therefore was scared of them, creating the uneasiness.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

The pause between the set up and the subject was enough to make her heart jump, but she was more than relieved when she realized that he hadn’t come to talk about the elephant in the room at all. However, that did not mean that the current topic was all that comfortable, even though it was a necessary conversation. Lily wasn’t exactly in the state of mind to even think about how she was going to handle being in close proximity with the child claiming to be her son, much less acknowledge she even had one. It wasn’t as if she hated the poor thing… she just didn’t know how to carry herself as of yet. She didn’t feel like a mother… and she doubted that she was everything the boy had ever imagined. Lily knew that in this state that she would be no more than a disappointment, though she hoped desperately that something would click when she looked upon his face… Lily knew she had enough maternal instinct for that, right?

The Order was another thing entirely. Fighting in a war wasn’t always how Lily envisioned her future to be, but she knew in some ways she was somewhat prepared for it. From what Severus had explained, Voldemort still lived – which was strange, since apparently he had been defeated years ago. Lily supposed that if someone had to stand up to him, she would at least help in some fashion. Even if she hadn’t the courage now, the fact that she did in her past meant she was capable of bravery. That was enough to convince her that perhaps joining the Order was something she should do… The burden of responsibility rested on her shoulders anyway.

She supposed that having people to fight for made it easier, though…

“Are you sure you want to do that?” Lily asked him, frowning slightly. She knew how Severus felt about James. What was more, Lily had felt the same. James Potter had always been such a bully to Severus, sometimes even her, and insufferable as well. She still hadn’t the slightest as to why she would have ever married him, but he must have changed in some way or fashion to make her love him. However, perhaps Severus no longer cared… The childhood pestering was far in the past now. He was an adult, perhaps free of grudge. Lily wanted to hit herself – she needed to stop assuming that the same things that had hurt him then would have hurt him now.

“I’m afraid I’m confused about the subject of the Dark Lord,” she told him. “You see… While I was at the Ministry, they kept insisting that the Voldemort had died... that he was gone for good. And yet you speak of him as if he were alive and well. Do you have any reason to believe that he still lives? The Ministry didn’t seem to think much of the subject at all.”

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Severus's mind was relieved when the conversation began rolling. At least they could talk without getting awkward, even though the memory still lingered on in his mind, imagining her close to him, and her scent. Severus closed the door behind him, looking back at her, still standing, but moved slightly closer, before stopping at the foot of her bed. He longed to come closer, but at the foot of her bed was a comfortable distance that satisfied his desires enough, but did not make him feel uneasy, nor make him appear like he wanted to repeat that encounter as before. Then he might think that she thought that he thought she was a harlot or something like that. He did not want that. And his logical side was screaming at him that she could only love James, even if he was dead, like he had only loved her despite her being dead.

Truthfully, it wasn't what he wanted to talk about, but it was something that was going to help him lead into telling her what he really wanted to tell her, which was about the encounter the other day. Oh yes, even his logical side wanted to talk about it now that there was no running from it. The two sides being in agreement was something he wasn't expecting. It was almost as if at some point those two sides were supposed to work together, but they had remained separate for so long, he always thought of them as separate, sometimes forgetting about the emotional side, though it was usually underlying, with his love for Lily usually underneath it all, driving the logic forth. One could assume that in a normal person those sides normally were the same, or close enough to the same, but it was much different for Severus.

"Of course I do," Severus replied, slowly, "He is your child, and you deserve to know about him." Severus did still hold the school grudge. James and Sirius, especially, made his life hell, and during his seventh year he didn't even have Lily to look forward to seeing and letting him know that he was cared for. Even his Death Eaters friends weren't the nicest in the world, and always talked about how they were going to 'bring justice' to the muggles and muggleborns. It was so easy to fall in line with them, even if he still loved Lily, a muggleborn. He felt that she did deserve to know about Harry, how he had her eyes, how he faced so many challenges that he did defeat.

"He is back, Lily. Your son saw him return right before his eyes. Dumbledore believes him, and so the rest of the Order does too. The Ministry refuses to believe it, and has made your son and Dumbledore out to be crazy people," Severus explained, knowing that she probably believed that Voldemort wasn't back because the Ministry would've told her so. He didn't blame them not wanting to believe the Dark Lord was back, because it meant that they would have to go through what they did last time. Severus didn't want to go through it again, because it would mean losing Lily, but he was going to make it different this time. Lily was not going to die on him this time. He would be sure of that.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

Lily wasn’t exactly surprised. The danger of the Dark Lord had been real in the past, so it felt just as real in this foreign place. What made little sense was the Ministry covering up such a thing. Did that mean that they were enablers, leaving all of the Wizarding World in quiet denial as evil crept in unawares? Did that possibly mean that they were in the favor of genocide? Being targeted by one group was enough, but by the government? That was another thing entirely. Unwittingly, a visible shiver passed through her form, just around the same time he stood at the foot of her bed, almost seeming like a reaction to his approach instead of what was in her mind.

When she looked up at him, noticing his proximity, her heart fluttered for the briefest of seconds. She had to bite back impulse, internally chastising herself again. What in the bloody world was she doing reacting in that manner? She wasn’t some bloody blushing school girl. She had some modicum of control, didn’t she? Why was he eliciting this sort of response from her? He was certainly no prince charming, all things considered… but there was something about him, something different – in the way that he held himself, the way his eyes stared so intensely down at her, the way his voice spoke in that quiet, mesmerizing cadence…

Oh merlin, oh merlin, oh merlin…

Lily wanted to slap herself in order to make her brain cooperate, but the display would have been much too wild for the situation at hand. She pulled her hair over one of her shoulders, exposing the skin of the other as she stretched her neck to the side, revealing the alabaster smoothness of it. She found herself gnawing her lips in thought, trying to keep focus on the topic at hand. Her son. He wanted to tell her about her son. This enigma of a boy that she had yet to meet – though she wasn’t exactly sure if she should. Certainly she wouldn’t be any sort of considerable mother to the boy now. She hadn’t been there for his entire life, much less even know he existed, and now she had been thrown back into the fray. It would have been considerably unfair for him, she knew.

“I only know his name is Harry,” she mused aloud, sounding absolutely disappointed in herself. “And that he was had defeated the Dark Lord as a child… That I had him with James…” She blinked for a second, frowning up at Severus almost as if she wasn’t prepared to ask the next question that she wanted to ask. However, she knew that there was no use pussyfooting around the subject. “Severus,” she began delicately, her voice light and airy in such a fashion that it seemed almost as if she were trying to give him bad news. “How did I end up with James? I don’t like him. I didn’t like him. Now everyone’s telling me I married him and they’re calling me by my surname as if it as true as daylight…”

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Severus watched her, looking into her emerald eyes, and he couldn't help but show off a small smile, his emotional side seeping through the barriers of his logic. Why couldn't his emotions be logical? The smile was small, much like the one that she had accused him of smiling during the encounter they had before. Flashes of Potter's face came into his head as he watched her emerald eyes as the two of them talked. He really should try to stop that. It wasn't like that during the encounter, but Severus had, for a second, seen Harry when the two were talking by her house. It would get plain creepy if it continued, and so he suppressed such images, until he got used to the fact that those eyes belonged to Harry and Lily, not just Harry. He wasn't dreaming all of this, right? It seemed a little too good to be true for him.

He watched as she moved her hair to her other shoulder, revealing her other shoulder, and her scent wafted into the air, just a hint had reached his nose. Oh, such a temptress, she was. It was almost as if she knew of his feelings and his desire to have her as his own, and she was teasing him about it. Every move she made created such a reaction in Sev, breaking him down, making him want to take a hold of her and tell her how he loved her, how he thought of her all the time, how he wanted her to be his. But he couldn't, every fiber of his being was concentrated on keeping himself from ruining the chance he had. That would just make her feel uncomfortable. She didn't like him in that way; there was no way it could be true. She had been mortified when she had embraced him, when he noted that it was as if she was flirting with him. That look on her face told him that she believed she had made a mistake, which mean that she didn't think of him in that way, and yet she denied it was because she just wanted to be close to someone.

Focusing on the conversation was hard enough, but luckily the image of James and her together helped anchor him to the conversation. "It isn't like I am an expert on your relationship with him, but as I remember it, the two of you began dating your seventh year, when you finally accepted his proposal to date. You had a good time, and the two of you continued to date, before it became serious, and he proposed, and you... accepted," Severus explained, leaving out the part how he was almost like a stalker when she went on her first date, but otherwise he had focused on her when they encountered normally. He could tell her where they went, what they did, and if he tried hard enough, what they wore that day. It wasn't every day the woman you love began dating the man who made your life a living hell, so the day stuck in his mind, despite it taking place many years ago. It had marked the day he felt he had lost Lily forever as a friend, without chance of getting back together.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

Her seventh year… The very same year she was stolen from. Had her relationship with James been that close at hand? Had she truly changed her mind that quickly? It seemed to be much too quick for her… A girl of romantic ineptitude of her caliber. And yet she had only been mere months away from a relationship that sealed her future in marriage and motherhood. Lily tried to wrap her mind around that small, poignant fact. Then, it clicked. The parts of the puzzle finally fit together – and as they did, she gave a physical jump, looking away from Severus in a fit of shock. She had done it to move on, hadn’t she? It would have been something for her to have done… The pain had to have been too much at one point and the only way she could relieve it was by forcing it to leave… But she supposed that she never expected to fall in love with James, much less want to marry and bear children with him. She supposed that had been a pleasant surprise of it all, but now she understood the crux of the issue.

And, more importantly, she now understood her own feelings.

Lily still fawned after Severus. Even in this form, which, in its own right, was possibly even more pleasant than his boyhood… These feelings weren’t sudden, they were merely latent, and being exposed to the cause exacerbated the problem rather than quashed it. It wasn’t the first time she had a crush on a man older than her. It probably made her affections for Severus even worse when she thought about it. But, what could she possibly do other than deal with it, at least until she could force it away again? In some ways, she didn’t want to at all. She liked being close to him and being understood, even in this place where she was casted as a pariah, was more comforting than anything else could have been. After everything she had been through, she deserved at least that much, didn’t she?

Lily could tell that he was uncomfortable about the subject. The inflections in his voice were harsh at the mere mention of him, which meant her original assumptions had been correct. He still vehemently hated the boy. She didn’t want to since hate was such an acrid emotion to hold on to, but she knew she had no right to interject in his personal affairs. Lily got on all fours, crawling toward him on the bed until she stopped in front of him, sitting on her knees. She stared up at him, keeping her head tilted as she surveyed his face with a curious expression. “You didn’t want to talk about this, did you?” she asked suddenly, in a very matter-of-fact manner.

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

His hatred for James stemmed farther than his Hogwarts feud with the man. James had stolen Lily from him; he always hated that James could make her happy and he couldn't. James had bested him in making Lily happy, just as James seemed to best him in everything but a few things. However, making Lily happy was the thing he wanted to do the most. Sure there was the fact that James always went out of his way to pick on him, and was quick enough to counter him before Severus could do just about anything. But it was the fact that James had won Lily that made him hate James even more. If it weren't for James taking her away, she wouldn't have died, but she wouldn't have had Harry, nor a family at that point, and he most likely never would've been able to make up with her anyways.

Severus sighed softly to himself, as if it was in response to her question, but really, it was because she had crawled up closer to him. The distance between them was considerably smaller, and while she was below him, it wasn't that far to bend over and embrace her, kiss her, and just let himself give into his wishes. His anxiety grew as he saw her so close to him, but his desire grew.

He looked down at her, keeping eye contact with her, and his breathing began getting a little heavy. If only she liked him like that. James had been the one she loved, and he wasn't at all like James. How could she have fallen for James, if she ever thought of him in that way? They were complete opposites; he was more reserved, and James was outgoing; he was book smart, and James was more practically adept. They were like night and day, and so, Severus had convinced himself that she couldn't like him in that way.

"No," Severus answered, slightly frustrated, not wanting to think of James and the future Lily had originally, "I didn't want to talk about you and Potter, no." He wanted to forget James, pretend he didn't exist, even though he did, he just was dead, or he could have come back like Lily did, but he didn't want that to happen. He didn't want to lose her again to James, to James of all people, whom Lily hated so much for most of their Hogwarts career. Just thinking of losing her again broke his heart. His logic was telling him they couldn't be together anyways and that she deserved someone else, but he desperately wanted him to be the one she was with this time around, so that he could finally be happy.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

I didn’t think so.

A sense of serenity washed over her at the very thought of him being indirect with her. Lily knew that he had come to talk about what had happened the few nights prior. Of course she was still apprehensive about the subject; but, the sudden comfort in what she had realized previously kept her somewhat grounded, or at least grounded enough to address the topic with some modicum of confidence. It was time to stop running, wasn’t it? It was time to take control, admit her mistakes, and move on. She had to accept the fact that no matter what she felt, he would not feel the same way. He could never reciprocate, just as he could not before. She had to find a better way to channel her impulses, even if it meant pawning herself onto someone else.

Merlin, that felt cheap.

“You didn’t want to talk about me entering the Order either, or the Dark Lord,” she continued, sitting up slightly. “You wanted to talk about what I did.” Lily sunk her canine into her lip, tossing her head slightly with a sigh though her nose. How in the world could she approach this? How did she even want to talk about it? Well, she knew that she couldn’t tell him her feelings…. The burden of that information would have to fall upon someone else’s shoulders. She didn’t know how she could possibly go about bearing herself to him in that manner regardless. All things considered, she hadn’t grown all that comfortable realizing that she still had feelings for him – imagine how he would have felt knowing such things?

“Look,” she began, lowering her hands to play with the hem of her skirt. “I know what I did was wrong. I know it was wildly inappropriate, considering your position and our relationship. Where I am from, I haven’t seen you for a year. You, though? You haven’t seen head nor tail of me for nearly two decades. I shouldn’t have put you in such an awkward position. Something came over me and I acted on impulse. I’ve felt out of sorts ever since I’ve arrived in this place and I don’t even know how to handle myself. I acted idiotically. I can only hope you’ll forgive me for acting so rashly.”

Within a millisecond, she felt her fingers twitch oddly. Her eyes travelled his body – taking in him and his stature – and she felt the impulse again. It was almost like a convulsion, taking over her body like a tick and tempting her to do it again – to dive over into recklessness and embrace him, kiss him, force him on top of her, grip him, cling to him…

Stop.

She made a small growling noise, biting down on her lip hard enough to make the inside of it begin to bleed. The salient copper-metallic taste landed on her tongue as she lapped it away; which, oddly enough, anchored enough back to the situation long enough so that the impulse dissipated into nothing. Calmed, she looked up at him again, before putting her twitchy hand to task at her hair, combing it through her fingers. “I didn’t even have the foresight to even think that you could have possibly been seeing someone,” she continued. “And please tell her that I’m sorry… Or don’t tell her at all. Your decision.”

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Surprised at her knowing exactly what he wanted to talk about, Severus watched her as she talked about the encounter the two of them had. He hadn't even thought of the fact that she thought he could have a girl of his own. She didn't know how the thought of her always had impeded his wish to have anyone else except for her. She didn't know how he thought of her all the time. She didn't know how he had loved her even after all this time. She didn't know how he would love her forever. But she couldn't know of this, not right now. It would come out eventually, as it was hard to stop himself when he was around her from acting on impulse. How could he stand seeing those beautiful eyes everyday and not feel the warmth they brought to him?

Oh, when she growled, he nearly lost it. He almost lost control and nearly kissed her fiercely, forcing her down onto the bed, kiss her everywhere and... Perhaps he should stop right there with those thoughts. There was just something about her that made him lose control when no other could even come close to penetrating him. It was enough to make him unable to keep himself from thinking of it, but not enough to act on the impulses, that would take a lot, and of course he would have to know whether she liked him in the same way, which since she didn't, it wouldn't matter.

"You're right about what I wanted to speak to you about, but I'm not seeing anyone," Severus assured her unable to force his smile back, thinking of how she might actually like him like that, trying not to get his hopes up. It was hard not to get his hopes up. "I haven't seen anyone in years, in fact. I've been too wrapped up in my work I suppose." The last part was true, he wasn't lying, because he had been wrapped up in protecting Harry and doing what Dumbledore requested of him to even think of romantic attachments. He was too busy dealing with his punishment for being one of the factors of Lily's death, and too in love with Lily to be able to move on. He didn't have the strength to be able to move on from her.

"Lily, I've wanted to see you again ever since we went our separate ways," Sev admitted, feeling that it wasn't something that important and it might help make her feel better about what had happened. "It was nice to be close to you again, after all these years." He studied her, still watching her eyes, seeing her playing with her hem out of the corner of his eye, trying to keep the image of being able to rip the skirt off of her in an emotional frenzy just in his mind, succeeding in his attempt. He knew he was strong enough to not act upon his thoughts, if he felt himself slipping in that respect he would have to leave, because he couldn't subject Lily to him losing control. He would have to stay away from her until he could control his feelings towards her.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

Well, that was somewhat of a surprise… but then it again, it really wasn’t. Severus had always been the sort to not give the time or day to romance, engrossed as he was in his studies and his work. Lily had been the exact same way, but she knew it didn’t mean that he had been in a romantic drought. He was probably in between lovers… Which was a little hopeful—No. What was she thinking? She had to keep her distance. This was much too unprofessional. Him not having someone didn’t mean or change anything, even if it did relieve her somewhat. At least she hadn’t been impeding on someone else’s territory. She was still a hussy, but at least she wasn’t that sort.

Her confession and his response were calm enough to make her relax. Lily fell back onto the bed with a loud plopping noise, as she crossed her legs together and allowed her hands to rest upon her middle. At least he didn’t hate her, or think any less of her, but still – she was reminded of that sensation of being rejected like a child, while he found her affectionate actions cute rather than serious. It almost infuriated her, and it not been for the calm coursing through her veins, she would have reacted in such an angry fashion.

“I know,” she told him as she idly scratched the exposed skin of her belly. “I haven’t done something like that since I was… I don’t know, ten? It seemed way too natural the other night. Plus, I don’t know-“ she rolled over on her side then, staring toward the wall. “-I suppose it was nice knowing that I wasn’t alone again. I hated that feeling. I had it months after we stopped being friends and I had it at the Ministry. I got carried away, that’s all.” She knew she wasn’t being completely honest with him, but he didn’t need to know that. There were many things that he didn’t need to know about her now. Like, how the way he looked at her made her bones melt, or how his voice was driving her crazy because she…

Stop. Stop. Stop. You are getting ahead of yourself again.

Lily sighed, closing her eyes briefly as her hands gripped at the sheets. Her mind was going a mile a minute and she didn’t know how to stop it. “I’ve never felt like this before,” Lily said absently, a tiny bit of meekness in her voice. “I’ve never felt like I wasn’t me…” That was probably the most disturbing part of this whole debacle. The longer she was here, the more she caught onto the rapid changes that were occurring in her – how fast things seemed to change, how the outer influences were forcing their way in, warping her mind in ways she would have never considered. She didn’t like it. But now, she realized, she couldn’t ever go back now, not knowing what she knew now. It was a bit of an impossibility now, and she realized how truly stuck she was.

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Everything was going just like he had planned it to go, or at least close enough. At least on the outside. She wasn't yelling at him for being indirect about it; she didn't seem to feel too terribly uncomfortable, despite their somewhat closeness. The only thing that wasn't going as he wanted it to was the fact she was constantly teasing him. Her laying down onto her bed, her belly showing, and her legs crossed. It was almost as if she was trying to make him desire her even more. Almost as if she could read his thoughts and just tease him about them endlessly. He wanted her more than anything in the world right now, but she didn't, obviously. Unless she was trying to send signs to him saying that she wanted him as much as he wanted her, but that couldn't be it. He couldn't let him think that could be what she was doing with her incessant teases, almost seeming like she was taunting him with something he couldn't have, and he wasn't going to be some dog jumping for a toy only for it to be pulled away at the last second, making him fall to the ground, before the toy gets just within his grasp once more and just plummeting to the ground each time.

While his thoughts were beginning to break down from logical and calm to perverted and frenzied, his words were able to surpass this, and not convey the inner turmoil created by his longing for the lovely Lily laying before him. He watched her lay on her bed, trying to reason his way through these emotional thoughts. Sev loved her, and he had just met back up with her a few days ago, it was like seeing an old friend at a reunion whom you had a huge crush on, right? That had to be it; people went through this all the time when the nostalgia kicks in from old times and the feelings for their friends was as if they had been in school together just yesterday, and time wouldn't change that. Except for the fact that time had strengthened his love for Lily, that living without her was so very painful he wanted her back; as if his love for Lily, his craving for her presence was an old addiction that came back up after years that he had lived without it.

He had a spark of hope when she told him she had never felt this way before, before shoving that hope down his own throat and telling himself it was just because she was stuck in such a time. "Times are confusing right now, for you and me both," Severus noted, "I would not expect for you to feel completely comfortable in this time. You are presented with events that happened in your life, and yet you cannot remember them, because you haven't faced them yet." He was using this to explain, mostly to himself, why she had acted in such a manner the other night. Severus had convinced himself over the years that no person in their right mind could ever feel feelings like he did to Lily, for him. He had told himself that he was not a handsome man, not a likable man, and that those qualities were what was important for a relationship. The Marauders did not let a day go by without reminding him of how terrible he looked, and once he and Lily were no longer friends, he began believing it. And who would love a killer? A man who betrayed one he claims to have loved, and still love to the day. A crazy person, of course, or some Death Eater, to whom he would not be attracted.

"Loneliness is something most of us hate," Severus responded, his smile just a little larger than it was before, "Something we want to stay away from, and so your actions were completely justified. It is nice to know someone cares, that someone you know and love is there for you, even if they are different than you may remember." If he was in her position, then no, he wouldn't have done that when he was a kid; he had survived years being able to hide his feelings for her, and he would've been able to do it when he was thrust into a confusing setting. At least he wanted to believe that he wouldn't make a fool of himself with an older woman. Maybe that was what she had felt, that she had made herself out to be a fool, or stupid in his eyes. But he didn't think that of her, no, she was a smart and independent young woman, who would stand up for what she believed in, even if for the moment she was confused given the situation she was placed into.

"It is just a matter of time before you can go out and there will be plenty of those there for you, besides myself. Remus, Harry, Dumbledore, and pretty much everyone in the Order." He felt that he was inadequate for her, that he couldn't show her the love she wanted from those around her, their undying support, because he just plain wasn't used to being there for someone. He was more used to supporting someone by scaring them and making them hate him, because then his behavior would strengthen them, unless their name was Neville Longbottom, who was the exception to the strength building by hate towards him.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

There was something that he said that Lily held on to in particular, which was that she could not remember events. It wasn’t a slip of the tongue, or a mistake of language, it was a very precise and salient word. It was merely subtle use, but of much importance to her. It informed her, really, how everyone seemed to view her. She wasn’t merely a displacement of a time, but rather a resurrection of a well-known human being. These events hadn’t just not occurred to her, she merely did not remember them. No matter how many ways she sliced it, she was not just plain-old, ordinary Lily Evans to Severus, or anyone for that matters. She had stepped into the shoes of someone greater, a person she couldn’t have even realized was herself, and it was not only predetermined, but expected of her to fill in these roles. Mother. Order Member. Veritable Genius.

Hero.

It was no wonder Lily Evans didn’t feel like herself. Possibly because she wasn’t really allowed to be. A set path had been decided for her, and by no other person other than herself which was such a strange concept to even try to understand. Lily couldn’t be what she wanted to be, and it made no difference if she would have chosen all the things she had in the past. The fact that she was being pressured into them now made all the difference. It made whatever bravery she could muster feel disingenuous. She wasn’t doing it for her, or for any loved ones, she was doing it because no one could possibly see her not acting like that. How could they ever see a Lily Evans that wasn’t a martyr in some shape or form? The bastion of self-sacrifice?

Despite herself, Lily felt rather bitter about it. What had excited her about the future before, even with her apprehension, was realizing that her choices were endless, and she could carve herself a niche in society that made her feel content, safe, and useful. But now? She had no say. Severus came in here not to discuss whether or not she wanted to join the Order, but what she should know because she was going to. Was it selfish to resent the sentiment? Probably; but, she was only human, wasn’t she? She was allowed her small moments of childish pettiness, privately of course, so long as she went down the path that everyone expected her to.

“I suppose,” she replied, defeated. She sighed again, curling her legs upward into a fetal position as she continued to watch the wall. “But it won’t be the same. It’s never going to be the same. You may want to pretend that everything will go back to normal, but it won’t. It wasn’t meant to work like that. I’m sort of a ruined person now, you know?” She didn’t know why she was being this candid. There was no point in it. She promised herself already that she wouldn’t go down into this spiral of negativity. Broken promises, already.

“Even if they found a way to put me back – I couldn’t go. I don’t have much choice… over anything anymore, really.”