i play dead --* [SEVERUS]

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Severus was slightly confused for a moment when she said she didn't have a choice over anything anymore. He thought that he was making it look like she had all the choices in the world, but when he thought of it, he really had been either preoccupied with dealing with his feelings to pay much attention to the other aspects of her life, besides the confusion of her not remembering the life she had yet to live. Everyone thought of Lily as the one who saved Harry, the mother would gave her life for her defenseless son. But she wasn't that person yet. She was several years younger and had yet to meet those circumstances that turned her into that hero people thought of her now. It was like Harry when he arrived was viewed as the boy who destroyed Voldemort, viewed as a hero of the wizarding world. And now she was viewed as a hero as well. He couldn't even image the sort of pressure that she had one her, but he also barely even understood it. She was still the same person, though changed because of the next few years of her life in her first chance, the same person he always remember; the same person he always pictured saving Harry's life. That could be because he didn't know very much going on in her life after Hogwarts, despite him keeping some tabs on her.

Now he felt bad, and even the side that made him really want to tell her everything that he was thinking, began calming down, ending its frenzy. He still didn't trust the emotions, because if he said what they were saying, it would reveal too much, but a bit of a logical modification would make it perfect. He sighed, pulling up a seat, and sitting upon it, so he wasn't towering over her so much. He didn't want to place the pressure on Lily that already was placed upon her son, which he couldn't help, but Lily's pressure he hoped, truly hoped that he could relieve some of it, some how and some way.

"Lily, you can choose whatever you want to do, so long as you don't join the Dark Lord," Severus answered, "And since that has as much chance as a snowball surviving in hell, I promise that I will stand by any decision you make." He first wanted to make sure that she knew that he would be fine with whatever choice she was going to make, because when he was younger, he was always questioning his choices (which most turned out to be terrible choices). Severus had never lied to her, that he could remember, he simply kept information from her, so when he told her he would support her decision, he meant it. At the same time he couldn't see Lily not trying to fight against Voldemort, for her son, her own safety and her friends.

"It is true, things will not be the same; there are different circumstances, and you are only seventeen, not twenty-one, but you are not different than you were to all of us, or at least those who knew you personally. This time things will be different, better, because you won't die this time. I'll promise you that," Severus continued, thinking of how if Remus Lupin thought she had to fill the shoes of the hero she had been, then he would make sure that Lupin changed his mind. He didn't want Lily to feel pressured, and so he wanted to make the pressure less and easy for her to carry. There was always a necessary amount of pressure that would always be present.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

His words were somewhat of a comfort, even if they were superfluous. She understood implicitly that he was merely appealing to delusions. She really did not have any choice, since she had already made them. Now it was only a matter of time before she took her rightful place amongst the public who would, no doubt, compare her to how she had been in the past even though she, herself, was the past. Gods, that was a right paradox, wasn’t it? Regardless, she appreciated the sentiment. It wasn’t that uncharacteristic of him; he had always been supportive (to her, at least), even if his assurances were sometimes incorrect.

Severus sat, plainly explaining to her what she was already aware of with a few added platitudes. In some ways, she didn’t really believe him. Not because she doubted his determination, but because she understood the limited control he had over these coming events. You couldn’t promise someone that they would not die, it was foolishness. She knew Severus not to be a fool. And, at the moment, she felt rather cynical. Lily rolled off the bed, resting her feet upon the ground before getting up and walking toward the other side of the room. “Do you know why the Order was such a mad idea at the time? Why it had probably taken me to the end of my graduation year to finally commit to it?”

Lily immediately turned on her heel, her hands rested firmly behind her back, as she skipped over to him, standing just in front of his seat as she stared down at him, a small frown adorning her features. “Because when I heard about it, I knew it was just another possible way I could die.” She nodded, swaying again, before she stopped and began to circle his chair. “Enlisting into any resistance, even one as small as the Order, leads high risk to personal hazard. I knew that. That’s why I hesitated. I knew that if I put myself on the front lines I’d end up being a casualty of war. But…” She stopped in front of his chair once more, pressing her lips into a firm line as she watched his face for any change of expression; but, when she found none, she continued.

“I supposed that dying for something I believed in was more worthwhile than dying for nothing. I think, back then, I figured that my life expectancy had been dropped considerably and… Well, if I were going to die, it was going to be on my own terms.” But it must have started to look optimistic, considering her decision to have children. She wouldn’t have done that without thinking that things were possibly in the clear… But that had no bearing on where she was now. “The circumstances are the same. I’m not just going to slink back into the shadows while everyone risks their life for me. You cannot promise me life. No one can. Those are casualties of war, and I accept them. It’s just…”

I’m bitter.

The statement permeated her thoughts rather suddenly, jarring her. She knew it was blunt honesty, but she didn’t want it. She didn’t want to put it to words. She just wanted it to be a vague sensation, something she knew was apparent but couldn’t describe. Knowing it plainly meant that she could feel guilty over it, and she already had. She hated being this person. She wanted to give up these negative notions she had about the world, but it was so hard to ignore its influence. “It’s just that I wish I could be…”

What everyone expects me to be. Say it.

She shook her head, falling silent. She hadn’t a reason to say any of this at all, especially. This was going much too fast. There was no reason to be hasty with all these decisions, or to dread them when they were still yet so far away. Her angst-ing was causing her more grief than necessary, not to mention the stress she was probably forcing onto Severus. She had to give it up. She had to stop. “Nothing,” she concluded, taking a step backward.

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Severus did not make his promises lightly, and he was fully willingly to live by his promise until he died fighting for it. It was true, that if he did die to try to keep such a promise, he couldn't be sure that it could be kept until the end of the war this time. He just knew that he wouldn't be able to live with himself if she died before him this time around. He didn't have much control of what would happen in the future, but he was her guardian right now, and he was going to watch over her as much as he could, and protect her from Voldemort and the other enemies she might have out there. He already lost her once before, he wasn't planning on losing her a second time, even if they had fought and gone their separate ways this time as well. He had been the cause of her death before, or at least one of them, and he wouldn't allow it this time.

It wasn't long before she was standing in front of him, which caused his frenzied thoughts to return for a moment, before slowly disappearing as she told him about how she hadn't wanted to be part of the Order until she had someone who she wanted to fight for, and she wouldn't just hide away this time as well, but she would fight. Severus understood how she didn't want to die for nothing, because he didn't want to die for nothing either. He wanted to die protecting Harry (before Lily had come along), or something close to that, dying for the end of Voldemort, the end of the man who killed her before, dying for the prophecy to be fulfilled, so Harry could destroy Voldemort. It was a lot that he wanted to die for, eventually, but that had changed slightly when Lily had come back. Now, if he were to die younger than natural death, he would want to die for Lily, for Lily to be happy.

Severus looked up at her and shook his head. "You were able to save my life, Lily," Severus responded, "I hope to do the same for you this time around. When you died, the Dark Lord disappeared for years, and Death Eaters were persecuted; if it weren't for you I would be in Azkaban right now, because I would have never switched to the Order. Casualties can be prevented, proven by the fact that you had given your life for your son, and led to the disappearance of the Dark Lord. If you hadn't died, many others would've died." The importance of her death had been huge, and had saved many lives that Voldemort otherwise would've taken and the war may even not have ended at this point. Severus was sure he probably would've died by this time if it wasn't for her. He still didn't want her to die originally, don't get him wrong.

"Lily," Severus said standing up once more, looking at her beautiful emerald eyes, "You don't have to tell me, but if you ever decide to tell me, I will listen to what you need to tell me."

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

He couldn’t have possibly known, but his assertion of how she somehow saved his life, as well as many others, only made it worse. The fact she had died a martyr was why this entire situation was difficult for her. She knew that if it hadn’t had been for her sacrifice that so many people would have ended up suffering or dead. Lily understood, implicitly, that she had been regaled as somewhat of a hero for what she had done. She knew this responsibility lay on her shoulders. And if the time came, when she was needed to perform that task again, would she be able to do it? Would she be able to muster up that amount of courage again? Lily talked big about dying on her own terms, but it didn’t she mean she actually wanted to die. She was terrified.

Lily needed to let go of this for now, before she went mad. All of these things were hypothetical and she knew she was only going to get more upset if she just held on. But it was so hard to let go, so hard to keep herself from wanting to punch him for saying what he had just said, so hard to not just cling to him and cry again… No. Stop. She needed to turn the conversation around, for her own sanity. As he stood, her neck craned upward, watching him as he stared into her eyes with earnest. She felt the beginnings of a shiver before she quelled it, taking another step backward in order to keep her mind from wandering to that place.

There was no way she was going to tell him what she had been thinking. She wasn’t ready to admit to that yet, or ever. In a rather abrupt turn in personality, Lily immediately forced a smile on her face, trotting close to him again before poking him lightly on the stomach. “You know, I like it better when you’re mean,” she stated, obviously a tease. She just wanted the light heartedness to return. The amount of solemnity surrounding the topic at hand had reached its peak. She needed a break. “All this kindness you’re floating around, it’s so unlike you. It’s sort of off-putting, if you want me to be honest…”

Lily turned on her heel then, facing away from him as she crossed her arms. “I thought we agreed you were a curmudgeon anyway.”

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Severus studied her and smiled at her going back to the fact they agreed he was indeed a curmudgeon. However, she had stepped back, which caused him to worry that perhaps she was feeling uncomfortable with him being where he was, before he moved back and poke his stomach. He smirked, at her comments, him still watching her eyes, which were looking into his eyes, despite the tempting she was doing to him. To think that just a second ago she was upset and now she was just fine. Perhaps it was just a coping mechanism. However, he wasn't going to push the subject. He preferred the happy and jovial mood between them at this time. Perhaps he would press the issue later, just not now.

Her turning away and crossing her arms was very cute, something that made his mind begin it's frenzy, but slowly and surely. Such teasing should be made illegal. She knew just how to push his buttons, moving just perfectly to make him want to have her more, if that even was possible. The cutest looks on her face, the swaying from before, and now her crossing her arms and with her back turned to him. Since he knew that she really wasn't actually mad with him, it was fairly tempting, putting on a show for him, even if she didn't even know.

"I am not always mean," Severus pointed out, "But if you really prefer me insulting your Potions skills and occasionally mocking you, I can make it so." Severus chuckled, thinking of how he liked being mean, because he loved her reaction that he got out of her. It was not against it, as long as he didn't say something absolutely stupid that was really mean, and hurt her, which was the last thing that he wanted to do to her. Again. Of course, he would make sure that he was jovial, and that she was in the mood for such playful insults.

"I prefer the term 'Man who can assign you lines if you are rude to him', but I will live with curmudgeon," Severus joked with a smile, having a good feeling that the laid-back mood the two of them had the other night, would return, almost hoping that she would embrace him again like that, or more. Maybe she could kiss his cheek, or maybe even kiss his lips, and then the two of them could embrace each other, and then deepen the kiss, and he'd run his hands around her back and and slowly make his way up to... He really needed to get that under control. His imagination could really go wild.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

Lily knew perfectly well he wasn’t mean. But when he was nice, it was always in the manner that seemed to idolize her more than view her as another person. It harkened back to that notion of martyrdom, which was what she wanted to avoid. So if mocking play had to be brought into the fray, then why wouldn’t she vie for it? So long as she didn’t allow herself to go out of control, being playful was fine and good, wasn’t it? But she could feel the twitch in her fingers, the sneaking sensation of desire slowly seeping into her veins, infecting her. It was a fever with no real cure, other than the hair of the dog… But she couldn’t ask for that. She had already promised herself and apologized to Severus for such behavior.

“Lines? Me?” she asked, feigning innocence, even as she glanced over her shoulder at him. “You would have the gall to punish Lily Evans? On what grounds? I’ve been perfectly civil with you, Professor Snape. Not an ounce of disrespect has passed on through me to you.” Lily turned, then, craning her neck upwards to grasp his eyes in hers again. Oh, this was ridiculous – this height difference. Then, Lily was stuck by an idea. She immediately rounded him, stealing his chair away as she pulled it back and then stepped onto it, crossing her arms with a victorious smile as she finally matched his height. It was all play, she had to remind herself. All play. All fun and games.

I could jump on him from here…

Oh, stop it! She glared briefly, before jutting her hip out to the side and planting her hands on either side of her waist. Her faux sassiness was enough to make her look almost as if she were a young child playing petulant, turning out to look more pathetic than actually serious. “You know, I never got punished by anyone ever, and do you know why, Severus?” she asked, her eyes flaring for a second as she cocked her head at him, poking the tip of her canine into the thin pinkness of her bottom lip. She almost waited for an answer, before her mouth took advantage of her, and spoke once more, with a small giggle lapsing afterwards:

“Because I am an angel. A perfectly innocent, obedient, and reserved angel.”

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Severus couldn't help but chuckle when she had insisted that she was a good girl, that she was a complete and utter angel. Little did she know, she had been teasing him so terribly, which was not something an angel did to him, even if she was completely and utterly perfect to him. Just because she wasn't always innocent, didn't mean she wasn't perfect; he liked a certain amount of... naughtiness. Otherwise, complete innocence would get boring really quickly, without all the temptations. At the same time he wished she was completely innocent, because then she might not drive him to the point of insanity any time they were too close. But the madness was a good madness, something that made him feel really great, but hate himself for feeling such a way about someone who didn't feel that way about him. Such impure thoughts was not a good thing, because they could offend the person they were about if they ever found out.

"Clever one, are we?" Severus replied with a smirk, with a ever so slight hint of mischievousness, which he did try to hide, but decided against it. Now he didn't look down at her, which meant that they were even closer of a distance between their two faces. He didn't mind the height difference, nor having to look down at her. Such closeness reminded him of the encounter, but just not as awkward towards the end there. He was really happy he had come today to talk to her, even if there was a certain amount of seriousness prior to this playful feeling. Just being around her in such a mood like this made him feel important and wanted by someone, even if she didn't want him in the same way. She had no clue of the effect she had upon him, how tempting her just being herself was; how she made him want to violate all of his logic and just proclaim to her his love through a kiss. He wasn't going to do that. He was stronger than that, even if she kept tempting his hungry emotional side.

"Oh I am sure that even you are not so innocent as you claim to be," Severus remarked with a small chuckle, "I'm sure I could come up with something you've done if I tried hard enough." Deciding not to add the 'I think it'll be fun seeing such an angel become naughty' because that could become awkward, as it would be such an obvious sign of flirting. He didn't want things to become awkward like last time, only to make up a couple days later, and make it a cycle. He wanted to be with her everyday and not one day and two in between each of them.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

All of this was treading on dangerous water and she knew it. However, the temptation to keep playing in this manner weighed very heavily on her. It felt like second nature to interact this way, at least with him. She wouldn’t have dared to act like this way in front of anyone that wasn’t him. However, he seemed to goad her with every word, smirk, and look, making it all the harder to clamp down on herself control. She was a bag of hormones, guided merely by compulsion, and she was very aware of it. She noticed her stance; the way her hips were placed and how close in distance she was on him. She realized the next words hanging on her tongue were those to dare him to prove that she wasn’t angel. If she didn’t know better, she would have thought he was encouraging this behavior...

Lily backed off, even while retaining the light airiness around her that suggested she still was playful. She allowed herself to plop down on the chair, sitting on it cross legged as she looked up at him again. She lay back against the structure, crossing her arms as she fell silent. Lily couldn’t help but to be proud of herself, of course. She was getting a knack for this self-restraint business, while keeping track of her actions in order to avoid any repeats of past mistakes. Her response to his assertion was a mere roll of the eyes, as she sighed through her nose. She hadn’t been lying to him; she was rather innocent when it came to most things. Lily had never been in trouble once and, if anything, she was probably one of the better behaved students that had attended Hogwarts in her time.

“No you couldn’t,” she stated a matter-of-fact. “What’s more is that even if you could pull anything out of the air, you wouldn’t have evidence to substantiate the claim. Come now, Severus. You’ve known me practically my whole life, and I’ve never misbehaved. I am an angel. Pretend all you want. I know the truth.” Lily flipped her hair behind her with a bit of sass before looking up at him with a brow poised upward.

“Though I am rather curious as to what you could possibly come up with.”

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Just being around Lily made him feel like a confused, in love schoolboy again, just older and without the raging hormones. If that were the case, he would’ve broken already and made a fool of himself, and things much more awkward between the two of them. But, he was older and more in control of himself, no longer a teenager, which gave him more resolve against the temptation she was putting up against him. It was seeing her again that made him realize the slowly intensifying love for Lily, despite her being dead, because there was no one like her in the world, no one as perfect as Lily was to him. Being surrounded by people who were not Lily created a growing desire to make her happy when she was dead, to do what she wanted, to become the man she wanted him to become. And now he could show her how she had changed him so.

Sure, she was normally a very well behaved young woman, and by just being herself, she would show everyone that she was a great woman, even if in others’ eyes she might not be as great as they place her to be, she would always be greater than any hero to him. However, he was the master of finding someone making trouble even if it seemed like nothing. He did not like the fact that she had sat down, obviously backing down because they were treading in dangerous territory. He was actually half-glad she had backed down as well. He couldn’t take things too fast; she was much younger than him, he shouldn’t even be considering some of the things that were running through his mind.

They were just fantasies he would only live out in his dreams, his sweet, sweet dreams. If only his dreams were fantasy. No, he took that back, because he would not want to relive her death over and over again, or get killed by Voldemort, or watch Harry die before his eyes and be able to do nothing to save the boy Lily loved enough to die for. He didn’t want to think of how in his past she would’ve given her life for James, because he would never forgive that man, no matter if he made Lily happy while he couldn’t.

“Well, first of all, it isn’t allowed to stand on a chair,” Severus pointed out, with an equal amount of matter-of-fact in his voice, “And second of all, you have stolen something quite close to me…” He was tempted to say, my heart, but he decided that it would take things too far, before he smiled and continued, “My chair.” He stared at her with his small smile she always managed to coax out of him, but otherwise looking quite serious. Good recovery there, you sly cat.