i used to know you so well --* SEVERUS

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

Lily’s grasp on certainty, at this point, could have been described as tenuous at best. To be honest, she hadn’t yet convinced herself that she wasn’t dreaming. This was possibly the most horrible nightmare one could have, and as she fidgeted in her seat, she periodically pinched her wrist in order to force herself to wake up from this boorish place. However, every sting of pain was met with resounding disappointment, followed shortly by fear so heavy it sunk like lead into her stomach. It was strange how the people around her seemed to treat her; there wasn’t a face within the sea of people that she could recognize, yet everyone knew her name as if they had met just that morning. They addressed her strangely, ascribing her to a name she would have never expected to hear: Potter. It wasn’t until she insisted on Evans that it changed; but, even then, she could not ignore the slight shivers of paranoia that warned her that everyone seemed to understand something she didn’t. Though, really, she shouldn’t have been surprised. She remembered the night she was safe in her bed, packed and ready to leave for the train so she could attend her final year at Hogwarts. Unbeknownst to her, she would awake somewhere else – a place she could never fathom. At first she merely thought she was lost due to some horrible mishap… But when she found her way back to London, she knew immediately that something was gravely wrong.

Lily had been intercepted almost immediately. She was then holed up in a bunker within the Ministry, shacked up with a few familiar faces, before she was taken by an official to have her situation explained to her. Though having it explained formally didn’t make it any less ridiculous, or impossible. Though as more time passed, the reality of her circumstances began to sink in and Lily realized that she truly was trapped. She was overwhelmed with torrents of information, educated of her life and what had changed the past twenty years in order to facilitate easier assimilation. She had married James, of all people, and had a son named Harry, who had grown famous for defeating the Dark Lord as a young child. She and her husband were regaled as heroes, but not without sacrifice. To be faced with one’s mortality was more than frightening, though her one blessing was that she had no memory of this traumatic affair. But it was hard to accept the fact that she had once been married and was survived by a son she did not know or could have fathomed to ever exist.

Miss Evans, do you understand?

“I’m sorry,” her voice was soft, sounding almost feeble, as she addressed the Auror opposite her. “Could you repeat that?”

Of course. As you understand, there are limited housing options for you at the moment, and since it is impossible to release you to next of kin, we have released custodial care to an employee of Hogwarts, at Albus Dumbledore’s request.

“And what was the name of the employee?” Lily tried to force a smile, though being cordial at a time like this was more difficult than she could have ever expected. Her mind was swimming with too many thoughts and the idea of being released at this time seemed much too soon. Her fingers played with the hem of her hospital gown, green eyes staring haplessly into the kind ones of her interviewer.

Severus Snape. Dumbledore informed us that you two had contact previously.

And again, her heart sank. Severus. She had not heard that name in such a long time… Not since her fifth year, when it had happened. Ever since, she ran in her own circles, avoiding Severus like the plague, despite how much part of her missed him. Now, she was to be thrust into his care? So much time had passed – how much of him had changed? How much had remained the same? She wasn’t even sure she wanted to see him, and she doubted that he had wanted to be around her. Why would he, with how he thought of her? It almost seemed a bit dangerous to be leaving her in such a place, but she seemed to have no choice in the matter.

“Y-Yes,” she muttered, biting her lip. “I know him.”

Very good. Now, you must understand that your situation is a bit more delicate than most of the others. We understand that your circumstance is difficult, and in the meanwhile the Ministry will be offering some form of services in order to make sure you remain in a stable position. We are contacting Gringotts in order to procure rights to your savings, which are currently in your son’s name, and in the meanwhile we will be providing you with a modest stipend that will cover your school expenses. If you find yourself troubled with your current living assignment, you may contact me directly and I will file a request for transfer and housing for you.

“Thank you. I appreciate your assistance.”

The woman smiled, shifting a few papers on her desk. It’s no trouble at all, Miss Evans. Now, if you excuse me, I have your discharge papers to handle. Professor Snape should be here soon to collect you. Your civilian clothing is with the secretary, you may use my office to change. Is there anything else?

Find a way to send me home, her mind thought immediately, but she quickly banished it with a shake of her head, her red locks falling from her shoulders and to her back. “No, thank you,” Lily muttered, forcing another smile. The official returned her smile and stood, excusing herself from the office moments later. The silence left behind was almost deafening, causing a horrid ringing in Lily’s ears. Her fingers fidgeted against her gown for a few seconds more before she forced herself to stand and poke her head through the door. She requested her clothes and the man at the desk complied in a very prompt manner, smiling sheepishly as he handed her a neatly folded pile. Lily pressed them tight against her chest and closed the door behind her, slinking to the floor seconds after it clicked shut.

“What am I going to do…?” Her exasperation was desperate. She didn’t know how she could face Severus and, with that terrible thought at the forefront of her mind, she began to dress.

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Severus Snape had been in his office thinking everything over. He had recently received word that Lily Potter had come back to life as a 17 year old young woman. Dumbledore had requested that she be sent into his possession. It happened not long ago when Dumbledore had told him. He had been sitting in his office, studying a picture of him and Lily when they were younger laughing and having a good time. But of course, she had the memories of the 17 year old Lily who had been avoiding him for some time at that point. He was looking forward to seeing her again, but he was dreading it at the same time. Severus Snape could not look forward to the love of his life hating him. He had been in his office ever since Dumbledore had told him about his guardianship of the seventeen year old Lily.

Severus swiftly turned the corner, his black robes swishing along with him, and his hair was in the usual mess it was. Dumbledore had called him to his office, and due to the urgency he sensed in the seven word note made him worry that perhaps Voldemort had done something, without informing him. Or perhaps Dumbledore had a mission for him to complete. Perhaps watching Potter to make sure no Death Eater nor Voldemort were coming to kill him. He doubted that any would, and the fact Dumbledore would place him on guard duty, due to the necessary explanation he would have to tell his guarding partner if Voldemort were to call a meeting. He approached the gargoyle protecting the headmaster office, telling the password quickly before hurrying inside.

Deciding he should leave to pick up Lily, he rose from his seat, tucking the photograph of him and Lily away into his secret compartment of his desk, which was enchanted so only he could find it and open it. He couldn't let any Death Eater supporter find that with him. Those he went to school and those who knew him fairly well knew about his affections for the muggleborn, but not many knew of his continued affections even after her death. Even Voldemort believed his feelings to have just been lust and that he had gotten over it. He hadn't. Severus Snape hated Voldemort because of it, and he knew he would never revert to his old ways because he had spent so long with the pain of his love being lost to him.

"It's nice to see you, Severus," Dumbledore greeted the black clad Potions Master. Severus stood in front of Dumbledore's desk, rigidly, and stared at the blue twinkling eyes before him.

"What is it that you request of me?" Severus answered knowing Dumbledore had to have had a reason for his calling him to talk with him. Dumbledore smiled, before he stood up and watched Severus closely.

"Lily Evans has come back from the dead," Dumbledore explained. Dumbledore paused to let Severus understand exactly what it meant to him. Severus chuckled sarcastically shaking his head.

"Lily Potter is dead," Severus answered disbelieving what Albus had just told him. Dumbledore stared at him with those blue eyes and it seemed to Severus that Albus was being quite serious. But Severus Snape would not believe it. Lily could not be alive, right?

"I cannot explain what has occurred for sure, but I have a hunch," Dumbledore replied studying Severus with those soul piercing eyes, "Lily Evans is very much alive. However, she retains only the memories up to her 7th year, and she appears seventeen." Severus studied Dumbledore before he decided to humor the old man. He was obviously testing him.

"Let us assume what you say is true. What is it you wish me to do, sir?" Severus asked, still not believing what he was saying to him. He wasn't sure he would ever believe it unless he saw her himself. Lily Potter was alive, but could he truly believe it?

He had reached the edge of the grounds, entering the road to Hogsmeade. Immediately he apparated on the spot, aiming for the Ministry of Magic. When he appeared in the Atrium, his appearance not going unnoticed by passerbys. Severus Snape had been known as one of the more infamous professors at Hogwarts for a long time. His black robe and his greasy hair were his tell signs that it was truly Severus Snape among them. However, otherwise, he was unnoticed by most, slinking around the crowd, knowing exactly where he was supposed to go to see Lily with his own eyes.

"I see," Severus replied still studying Dumbledore, "But why me? Why not someone else she holds less resentment towards?" Dumbledore chuckled at the question. Severus had to hold his temper back when he heard Dumbledore chuckle. It was a serious question, and this was no laughing matter. Lily would not be happy with him as her guardian, if she truly was back. He was still doubting it all.

"You are the one I trust the most. Lily Evans is an important person and she must be placed in the care of someone who I can trust and the ministry will allow," Dumbledore explained walking around his desk and coming a little closer to Severus. Severus stared at Albus for a second before he shook his head once more.

"There are plenty of others who could take care of her," Severus replied, not letting his happiness seep in, because then he could get his hopes up, since it was probably not truly Lily who had been revived. That would mean he would be a lot luckier than he ever was, or even worse because Lily would hate him. All their 7th year she had avoided him, and she would probably wish to do that now as well, despite the fact that he had changed significantly.

"There is no one else who knew her at the time that I felt comfortable with letting them take her in. Her sister would not allow it," Dumbledore replied, adding the last part looking at Severus from the top of his glasses.

Severus hurried to the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes where he was supposed to pick up Lily Evans, or whoever it really was that appeared. The only thing about her had seen recently in the living flesh was the beautiful green eyes that he had seen for years on the body of the man he despised the most. How he longed to see her beautiful milky white skin and blazing red hair once more. If only she were to be truly alive. At this point, such a lie seemed too far-fetched to be true, but Dumbledore did not lie to him. Dumbledore was always straight forward. And so, he must believe she was truly alive, even though everything was telling him she was dead. Who's grave had he visited since her death? Had the grave he had visited just a week ago really been empty, or was she come back to life after then? The man behind the desk at the department nodded at his arrival before promptly hurrying towards a door, knocking on it.

Miss Evans, Professor Snape has arrived, if you would come when you are ready.

The man turned towards Severus and apologized that she wasn't yet ready, but assured him she would be out soon. The moment of truth. Severus Snape wasn't sure if he was the happiest man in the world, or the most miserable. At least his mistake did not cost her life for eternity, as he had believed for a long time. She was alive, and he was happy about that. Whether he could survive her hating him, he did not know.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

This was, perhaps, the only time in Lily’s life where her mind refused to stop racing. Usually she had such good control of her nerves; it was an ability that she cherished more than anything else. Lily could keep her mind even in the most hectic of situations, forcing herself to think and plan her actions methodically. She supposed now, though, she had reached her breaking point. In some ways she believed she understood the true meaning of culture shock, even though she had barely been exposed. She was a veritable anachronism and she knew she didn’t belong. After all, as she had been informed, she was supposed to have been dead. Dead for over fifteen years. With a frown, she pulled her stockings up to her knees before she went to slipping on her black slippers. All the while her mind was focused solely on the conversation she had days prior, when her housing was only just beginning to be discussed.

“Why can’t I stay with Petunia?” The words sounded strange as they fell from her mouth, considering the fact she had barely spoken to her own sister ever since Petunia decided that she was too good for Lily. However, she was still family and that was enough for the time being.

She is a muggle, Miss Potter—

“Evans, please.”

Evans, excuse me. Your sister is a Muggle and is currently under the notion that you are dead. We cannot risk exposure of this sort, or cause panic.

“I understand…” Lily’s green eyes fell for a moment, as she gnawed on her lip in thought. “I… Beyond that, I don’t know. I had acquaintances beyond that. Remus Lupin, Sirius Black—“

I’m afraid Sirius Black is not an option. Extenuating circumstances would not make him the best option for your care. He would not look out for your best interests. Miss Evans, I shall make inquiries and attempt to assign you some place safe to stay. In the meanwhile, if you could sign this…

Lily’s attention was torn away when she heard a knock at the door, announcing her custodian’s arrival. She could feel that familiar sensation of sinking lead again and tried to ignore it the best she could as she gave response to the warning. It was the moment of truth, after all. Lily looked down at her clothes and, with a sigh, straightened out her skirt and her blouse. All the while her heart wouldn’t stop its rapid pace, rattling inside the prison of her ribcage like a bird frantically trying to break free. Her fingers began to fidget nervously at the hem of her skirt as she made her way towards the door, however she stopped immediately when she lifted her hand to make contact with the cool metallic feel of the knob. She closed her eyes briefly, imagining herself at the foot of a great precipice, just about to take the plunge. She counted to herself softly and, as she hit five, she took a deep breath.

Jump.

There was no difference between the feel of exposure and the rush of the plummet. Her eyes opened and she saw him, standing there, in a way that she could not have ever imagined in all her years. He was all grown up now, dressed to the nines in a wave of ebony. He had certainly grown a lot taller than she had remembered him to be, towering over her even at a distance. The only recognizable part of him was his face, the way his mouth curved into a frown naturally, and the way his hair always seemed disheveled, even when it was neat enough to frame his face. His eyes were just as black and piercing as ever and as he stared into her own emerald ones, she could feel her insides shiver. If there was anything that would have given him away, it was those eyes. But the recognition came at a cost. His presence was an amalgamation of comfort and offense, and a torrent of memories that had long since been locked away. Yet all at once, his voice entered her mind like a well versed song, echoing with thunderous resonation.

I don’t need help from filthy little Mudbloods like her!

Lily felt her posture going rigid as she watched his face, her eyes squinting at him as an uncomfortable silence fell across the room. Her fingers twitched in her hands and she found herself stricken dumb for the first time in her life. What was there to say? Then, her pale pink lips parted, saying the only thing she could bring herself to utter: “Severus.”

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Severus had gotten ever so slightly impatient waiting for her to come out. That was when he was sure that Lily Potter was not truly alive, but some person who looked and acted like her. He had glared at the man at the desk, but when he heard the door open where Lily was supposed to come from, he quickly looked up at her. The beautiful shining green eyes caught his sight first, and he watched her. Her hair, her face, her build, everything had brought him spiraling back years, when he had seen that face of hers last. Memories flew into his mind. Seeing her beautiful pink lips kissing James Potter, hearing the hurt coming from her voice, which he caused by being such an idiot, the times he would spend watching her before and after they began Hogwarts together.

He heard her say his name as she stared at his deep eyes. He didn't allow his face to convey the thoughts he was thinking. How he had longed to hear her even just once more, even if it were to be conveying hate towards him. The sound of her voice was the sweetest song, entering an empty world from a world that nothing equaled in beauty. Severus kept the frown on his face, though at this point forced to keep his face the same old face he had worn for the last 14 years. He remained unmoving, now completely convinced that Lily had returned to him. No one could match her beauty, and if she was not the Lily he loved, she must have been a long lost twin given the resemblance.

The hurt he had experienced for years, the regret and grief he felt by betraying her to Voldemort, all seemed to lift off his shoulders ever so slightly, while the weight still was there. She hadn't changed. She looked just as beautiful as she ever did. He banished such thoughts from his mind. She would most certainly hate him at this point. He had hurt her badly not long prior to what she had remembered. Severus had many years to try to earn her friendship back, but it never happened, probably because of the fact James Potter would not let him around Lily, when she may have actually listened to him try to apologize profusely to her. He would've done anything to earn her friendship back, but he never had the chance, and so he chose to befriend those who would accept him no matter what, even if they could not fill the void that losing Lily had caused. And when she died, the void grew even bigger and rarely anyone could even try to work their way into that void.

"Lily," Severus replied slowly, in his deep distinctive voice. He paused for a second. What exactly would he say? Should he apologize? Should he just state buisness? He had to find a happy medium. "I am here to take you to Spinner's End, for you to live until September 1st, at which point you will attend Hogwarts." He paused once more, before he looked at the attendant, the man at the desk, and he nodded before he left the room. People seemed to know what he thought when he wanted them to know. While he did not want to make Lily feel uncomfortable being all alone with him, he did not want anyone to know about his personal relationships, from the past of course.

"I wish to apologize for hurting you, when we were at school together; I know that you will not readily accept my apology," Severus apologized, choosing his words extremely carefully, trying to remain professional while making it clear he felt terrible about all the hurt he caused her in the past before her death, "However, I hope that over time... you can forgive me."

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

Lily wasn’t exactly sure how to juggle the situation. She immediately regretted saying his name when it carelessly slipped through her mouth. But, really, there was nothing she could do to help it now. She recognized the professionalism in his voice, the way his face remained stony even though she knew that his mind never stopped racing. She remained as uneasy as ever, watching his statuesque posture, waiting for something to happen. What else could she have done, really? Then came his response, evenly, dripping from his mouth with his almost hypnotizing cadence. She was to go to Spinner’s End until Hogwarts… She was to be at that place, near her childhood home. It was a rather bittersweet realization. However, he wasn’t finished. Seconds later, the attending left his post and she turned her head to watch him leave the door, before her eyes fell upon Severus again as he spoke.

I wish to apologize…

Her mouth curled down into a frown. How many times had she heard that phrase? If not from him, then it was from people who had at least known something about him. So many times she had been approached by students with “good intentions”, stepping forward on his behalf to speak of sincere regret. Surprisingly, she heard it often from her own friends, who insisted that Lily was being too harsh. “It’s only a word,” they said. “You know he didn’t mean it, and I know you miss him a lot,” And, to be honest, she completely agreed. But that wasn’t the point. Lily felt her breath hitch uncomfortably in her throat. So much pressure was placed on her all at once. This wasn’t the place to be speaking of such things, and she wasn’t exactly sure she was prepared to revisit this part of her life.

“I forgave you a long time ago,” she said, her voice quivering slightly – though, from anger or sadness couldn’t be determined. “But that wasn’t the point, Severus. It wasn’t the word… It’s what it…” She paused, then, making a horrible distressed sound as she buried her face in between her small hands. She forced herself, then, to breathe slowly, before she lowered her hand and examined their surroundings. It was a very cramped closet of a room, with the walls pushing inward and making her clausterphobic. She didn’t want to be here, not like this. Lily pulled her hair over her shoulder, combing her fingers through it calmly before looking up at him again.

“Is this where you want to reopen these wounds, Severus? Is now the most apt time, for either of us?”

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

It seemed that Severus had never believed that she had forgiven him, no matter what anyone would have told him. He knew that she had been hurt deeply by what he had said to her, but he had actually realized the reason that she was so adamant about keeping away from him for all those years. He had never stopped going down that path until she was threatened. Severus had taken wrong street after wrong street, like he was wandering around the streets of life, taking the bait of those who hated muggles like he did at one point, primarily because of his hatred of his father projected itself upon nearly all muggles. Though now, Severus had learned to separate that hatred from the whole lot of muggles, and did not hate them as he once did. Lily did not know how he had changed, and perhaps, the fact he was yanked from that path, would improve the relationship right now.

"You are right," Severus replied. She's always been right, Severus thought to himself. Bringing her to his household in Spinner's End would bring back memories of where she had been brought up, and perhaps those wounds would heal when they went back to where their relationship all began. Having already planned for this, he had cancelled all plans for any of the Death Eaters to come over. He had to keep her safe at least until Hogwarts, because then Dumbledore would be able to protect her, and she would not be in the center of some Death Eater business. He had doubted Dumbledore's choice that he could keep her safe; after all, he couldn't save her from death. Severus Snape did not trust himself, to say the least.

"We better head to my house," Severus said, having not really prepared himself for actually meeting with Lily. Denial had him up until he saw Lily, and even still lingered on. "There will be more time to catch up once you are settled." He had to keep himself in check, but hiding the feelings was extremely hard, resulting in a ever so slight sense of panic deep within his thoughts. Second chances at getting a dead person's friendship back rarely, if ever, happened. He had to make it count, and he wasn't quite sure how he could do it.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

Thankfully, he retreated. He dropped the subject like any sensible person would have done and Lily knew that, for the most part, he usually was a sensible person. It had been one of the many things about him that she had adored. There was just that glaring flaw that had made their relationship absolutely impossible when the time came, and his stubbornness was more than frustrating, as it had once been when she was a child. No, then it was infuriating, as nothing would have ever made him realize that he couldn’t have it both ways. It was possibly the most horrible reality she had to accept and, of course, there had been times when her resolve wavered some and the desire to go see him at home would creep through her like a disease… But she knew better. If no one would respect her, she would, even if it hurt to do so. For the moment, she was glad that his age had caused him to mature, and gracefully offered him a brief smile as a way of showing her gratitude.

Lily stepped forward, approaching him like a shy kitten to a stranger. She wasn’t exactly sure what to do with herself, but the more she was around him, the more she found herself just looking at him and comparing what had changed. As she craned her neck upwards to stare at his towering massiveness, she was reminded with the rather harsh insight that she had loved this man once. She could remember the time it happened, as well as the very moment her heart shattered in a million pieces. Emerald green eyes shimmered slightly as she stared into his hardened face, though not without difficulty. The feelings were still there, the pain was still fresh. She didn’t even know what she was speaking to, much less leaving with. She didn’t know who Severus was now – what he had done with his life, or what he even felt about her. The most he had revealed was minor regret of a squabble fifteen years buried in his past. He had always been sorry for what he had said, but was he sorry for he had done?

“Your father’s house,” she said meekly, lifting her hand as if to offer it to him. She figured that they would Apparate to Spinner’s End, though she wasn’t exactly excited for the nausea she got whenever she travelled in such a fashion. She wasn’t even sure she wanted to be in the home filled with a thousand horrible memories. Lily knew very well what had occurred in that home. She had never been soft spoken about the subject to Severus, either. She had never expected him to go back there, much less make it permanent residence. Her fingers twitched briefly and she looked away, her hair falling to her back as she began to bite her lip.

“Do you think… you could let me visit my home? I know… it probably isn’t my home anymore, but…” her voice faded away into silence, as she was suddenly embarrassed by such a silly request, as evidenced by the sudden flush in her cheeks.

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Just by the way she had walked up to him, Severus knew that Lily felt uneasy around him, not only because he was double her age, but because truly Lily did not know very much about him at this point. The way Severus saw himself was that he hadn’t changed all that much, besides having felt the hurt of losing the only one he loved, and changing his side on the war, and having unwavering loyalty to Dumbledore because Voldemort would not even fulfill a simple request to let one person live for a loyal supporter, while Dumbledore showed an immense amount of trust and respect for him… Perhaps he had changed more than he had originally thought he had over the years. He no longer felt the need to fit in, to have a group of people who would consider him a kin, as he had never had before. Lily was the only one who wasn’t a part of that group which seemed to accept him. And so, he had hung out with them and their habits rubbed off on him, and their ideals did as well. Severus had always hated muggles, viewing them all just like his father, and so he was an easy target for them to sway.

Severus Snape had always loved Lily Evans. He wanted to tell her many times over the years that they had known each other, but he had feared rejection, and so he never told her about his feelings for her. As a teenager he believed his friends, the future Death Eaters, loved him, and Lily only thought of him like a brother. He chose them over her in the end because of what he had said to her; he wouldn’t have chosen them if he hadn’t said what he had said causing their friendship to end. Even now, he did not realize it was what he had done, instead of what he had said, thinking of them as the same thing. Some things had not changed.

Despite the fact that everything she remembered as just yesterday was nearly two decades ago for him, he still remembered everything about her, though she knew little about him. He was not a man to just open up to anyone, tell about himself. Even his fellow professors only knew the things they had observed from him. It was a rare event when he did reveal something to someone who did not already know the information he was telling about.

“It was,” Severus answered with a curt nod, taking her hand in his, feeling the warmth of her hand, “I had nowhere else to go, other than Hogwarts, and staying there would not be possible.” Severus hated the house with a passion, but since he spent little time actually at his house in the muggle neighborhood, he dealt with it. It was one of the only possessions he inherited from his parents, as his father drained all the money his mother had from her family, and things usually ended up broken in his household. He normally was on a mission, anyways, so he was able to escape the memories that being in that house brought forth, and he tried his best to ignore the setting he was in when he was at his house.

“We could,” Severus answered, “If you wish to do so, Lily.” He did not think of it as a silly request, coming from someone displaced from time. Truthfully, Severus had not looked at her old house too recently, he was a bit too busy for that, but he had seen the muggles living there now, two boys and two girls. The new muggles did not look anything like the house’s previous residents, all with light blonde hair, and so he rarely had really seen the place except in passing. However, it wasn’t long after he had confirmed that they could visit her old house, he added, “Brace yourself.” Apparating usually brought about nausea, especially to those not used to the feeling. He felt that he should warn her before he initiated the technique. With her hand in his, he apparated away to jus the interior of his house, near the door. He couldn’t very well apparate anywhere else in the community, as it was a muggle residential area.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

Even with the warning, the sudden and familiar tug at her navel was off putting in its own right. It felt like an invisible force pulling her by her insides, before throwing her haphazardly in the destination in which she was expected. If it hadn’t been for Severus’ hand gripping her, she would have certainly toppled over as they popped within the entry way of Spinner’s End. Even then, she required assistance to steady her rattled body, and instinctively grabbed whatever was closest to her. In particular, her hands went to his body, her hand squeezing his as the other gripped the fabric of his clothing, tightly clenching it in her fist. When she was able to gather her head, she realized what she had done and immediately peeled herself away.

The heaviness in the atmosphere hit her, then. It wasn’t as if Spinner’s End was a horrid house itself. For something that came from the more impoverished end of town, it was quite well built and furnished. But there was something that struck her while she was within the confines of the walls about her, memories of things she had not herself experienced, but learned second hand. Lily had always avoided coming to Spinner’s End unless it was very necessary. Severus never seemed to like talking about his parents… and Lily knew not to pry. Though it had always been obvious that Tobias was not a pleasant man, and there had been times in the past when Lily was certain he didn’t like her. She never asked. Whenever Severus was with her, she tried to make it as pleasant as possible, so that she could distract him for some time… Standing there, though, she could feel the negativity in the air she breathed. She knew, in some ways, she was probably just being sensitive, but…

“Sorry,” she found herself apologizing, but she didn’t know why. Her eyes surveyed her surroundings in an almost manic fashion, and before she realized that panic was bubbling within her insides. Lily Evans – calm, cool, resourceful Lily Evans – was on the verge of having a panic attack. That was new. She tried to make it not outwardly show, only indicating that something seemed to be wrong as she gripped her chest to feel the hurried pace of her heartbeat. She couldn’t really think clearly enough to bring herself to say anything else to him, or even to attempt to register her surroundings. Her mind found itself suddenly stuck within an obsession, and her attention turned to the door.

She reacted on impulse. Without warning, she dashed forward, throwing the door open before bounding through it and down the street. Cokeworth engulfed her, familiar but decidedly different at the same time. There was dissonance in the air she breathed and in the way her feet sounded as the collided with the ground. Cokeworth. Cokeworth. She could say it a million times, knowing it was her home, but couldn’t bring herself to feel that way. She didn’t even check over her shoulder to see if Severus was following her. Lily’s eyes faced forward, turning down streets that she knew led to the one place that she had once felt safe. She didn’t know how much time had passed when she finally found herself standing on the street just in front of their parkway. She supposed by the horrid ache in her lungs that she had over exerted herself; but, she couldn’t bring herself to acknowledge the pains in her body for too long.

There it was.

Lily didn’t know what she had expected to see when she reached that destination. Perhaps, in some small way, she hoped that when she got there she would have seen her father walking up the pathway, ready to take her into his arms and welcome her home. Perhaps she had hoped that this would have all just turned out to be a dream after all. Staring at her old childhood home cemented the permanent and shattering nature of her reality. Lily’s eyes surveyed every detail of the house before her, as a flood of memories associated filled her mind with every glance, noting how much things had changed. The Muggles had gotten rid of the small tree at the front of their house. There were two bikes parked nearby the door, obviously meant for two small children. One of the lanterns was broken. They had removed the curtains her mother had put up while they lived there.

It wasn’t her home anymore. It didn’t belong to her and she didn’t belong to it. She rested her hands against the coarse wood of the fence, gripping it tightly as her breathing came quickly and strained. She didn’t belong. She didn’t belong. Nothing hurt more. Nothing could ever hurt more.

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

As they arrived, Severus felt Lily's grip on his hand and his robes, gripped tightly. Severus looked down at her with a sense of worry spreading across his face, before he hid that worry down deeper inside himself. It was a talent he had, shoving back his emotions so deep that they didn't show, but he could only bury those emotions so far before he couldn't hide them anymore, and that was the times he hated the most, and usually stayed alone during such times. He still did not show these emotions on his face, but in his head, it was always quite painful. He smiled slightly looking at her, once she had regained herself.

"It's fine," Severus replied to her apology, thinking that he never actually wanted her to let go. It had to happen though, as they had just met, and they would only be friends at the very most, or at least that was what he told himself. He caused her death, he caused her enough pain, he betrayed her. How could she ever forgive him for all his misdoings, even if she did not know of them yet? Well, she did know at least one, and probably a few more from their years at school, but not anything after the start of their seventh year. How she fell in love with James, and how Severus watched from the sidelines, seeing the woman he loved with the man he despised the most.

Then Lily seemed to dash out of the door. Though worried for a split second that she was running away from him, his logic kicked in, and he realized that she must be going to see her house. Severus knew how her family was very important to her, even if her muggle sister was highly jealous of her; she had a family who loved her, unlike him. He followed her at a fairly brisk pace, keeping behind her, knowing she would want to see her house herself first. He ignored the surroundings around him, focusing on her, and following her. She stopped looking at the house that used to be hers. To him it had been years since she lived there, but to her... He was not able to relate to the feeling, but he could understand the feelings she must be going through right now. And he wanted to help her out as much as he could.

"Lily," Severus said softly, walking next to Lily, whom was staring at her house, looking much different than it did all those years ago. Words seemed to fail him. He couldn't think of what else to say. To leave Severus Snape speechless, unknowing what to say was quite a feat that usually never happened. Severus had prided himself in knowing what to say all the time, but it seemed this was one of those rare occasions when he had nothing else he could say.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

She didn’t register Severus’ appearance beside her until he uttered her name. Even then, she only barely acknowledged him, as she was mesmerized by the unmoving structure. Her gaze was so intent upon it that it almost looked as if she were trying to make it change, even though it refused to do so. Lily was slightly worried about how they looked, two strangers sitting at the foot of their house, staring in. This surge of self-consciousness felt so unnatural that it almost infuriated her. This had been her sanctuary, the only other place in the world where she felt safe and loved. Why would it be she who felt she was treading upon ground where she did not belong? The world had been so much for her at the time, so much was riding on her shoulders – she was only human. It was only natural to be terrified when so many people wanted you dead… She couldn’t come here. But maybe she didn’t need to anymore…

“I remember them telling me things about my life,” she said suddenly in a strained voice. “Like, listing off these facts as if they were as clear as day, things that were momentous to my existence – important events that I had often dreamed of when I was a kid. They just fell out of their mouths so casually. You got married, Miss Potter. You had a son, Miss Potter. You were killed, Miss Potter—I’m sorry, Miss Evans.” Her eyes drifted to him momentarily, as she finished one short part of her diatribe, sounding tired and aged. “Listening to them was almost terrifying… I don’t even know how I feel about having my own life taught me by a bunch of strangers I hadn’t even met. I can’t… even fathom… how I feel about these things either… I always assumed that when I had a child, I would have this swelling maternal love inside me; it would be something that just happened. But they tell me about this boy, this boy I had with James, and I don’t know how to accept it. I…”

She didn’t even know why she was telling him all this. Though, really, it didn’t even feel as if he were there. It was easier to just talk at nothing and hoped that something in the universe was listening to what was being spoken. She remembered when she could talk at length like this for hours with Severus – bear her soul to him. He would never return the favor, though. Always kept as arm’s length, Lily was… With a sigh, Lily turned her back toward her house, taking a step out toward the sidewalk before she stopped and stared at the distance again.

“They said my parents died. I don’t know how, but they did. I never got to say goodbye. Now I’ll never have the chance. And what about Petunia? I never wanted to keep fighting with her. She was my family. At some point I wanted to mend things with her. I wanted to apologize. I wanted to tell her I loved her because she was my sister, and that I would always be here for her. Now, she just thinks I’m dead, so I have no chance…” There was a flutter in her chest, and her insides began to twist uncomfortably. She could feel the grief inside her welling up agonizingly slow, weighing her down to the earth. There was a burning sting in her eyes that she immediately banished, obscuring her face with her wrist as she wiped away the offending dampness. “Bugger me,” she muttered to herself, sounding irritated.

Between them, then, was a pregnant pause as she tried to sort out her thoughts. What was this world she was in now? This place where she didn’t distinctly belong? Of course she had Hogwarts to look forward to but… What after that? She knew that she would have to carve herself a niche here, but it was so hard when she knew that she was on the verge of being considered a pariah. Everything she cared about was gone. Her plans for the future no longer mattered. New things would have to be considered, new ideas would have to come to thought…

“How did I die?”

Lily’s attention was suddenly drawn back to her surroundings. She glanced about; seemingly surprised that she heard something that broke the silence. It took her a few moments to realize it was she who spoke, and what she had exactly said. She bit back her tongue, feeling her hands clench into fists. She didn’t know why she asked. She couldn’t even determine if she truly wanted to know. But, there it was, out in the air, torn from her purely by impulse – yet another thing stolen from her that she could never get back.

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Severus listened closely as she told him about how she felt so out of place. He could only imagine the confusion going on inside of her right now. Even he felt that she did not belong in this time, because he knew she didn't, seeing her like that 17 years ago. And yet, he didn't want her anyone time else than the present. The luck he had seeing her once more, no longer having to visit her at her grave so close to Potter's grave. However, looking at her reaction to being out of place made him almost want to bring her back so that she could be happy and see her family again. So he could know for sure that she would smile; he had seen her smile many times during their 7th year, and the little bit he saw her after they graduated. She would surely do the same if he could bring her back. But he was also a fairly selfish person, and hoped he could create a world she would be in happy in this time.

Severus thought over exactly how he would explain Lily's death. The betrayal of Pettigrew, the fault of his, everything was etched in his memory like it happened yesterday, but how would he begin? Severus decided he would take the blame, even if it would hurt their relationship. He had to be honest. Honesty was something he had to have, or she could never trust him. It would get out eventually, Harry would most certainly find out eventually. Trelawney was not the best secret keeper in the world, if asked about that day or something reminds her of it, she would tell how he interrupted their conversation.

"Lily, it was... my fault. I overheard a prophecy which regarded the Dark Lord, and your son," Severus began with a small sigh, knowing that whatever her reaction was, he deserved as his punishment, "I told the Dark Lord, and he targeted you and your family. I tried to stop him, but he would not be swayed. I turned to Dumbledore, and he offered to protect you and your family, placing the Fidelius Charm upon your house. But you were betrayed by Peter Pettigrew who gave away your location, and... the Dark Lord came to kill your son. He gave you the chance to move aside so he could kill your son, but you refused... and then you were killed."

Severus had blamed himself for so long for his betrayal of Lily, blaming her death on himself, while outwardly blaming Peter and Harry for her death. Without them, she wouldn't have died. Harry wouldn't have made her wish to sacrifice her life for him, Voldemort never would have known where they were if Peter never to have betrayed them, but he wouldn't have gone after the Potters if it weren't for him conveying half of the prophecy to Voldemort. And Voldemort now wanted the full prophecy, which the Order was protecting quite securely. It was just a matter of time before a Death Eater slipped through to the Department of Secrets and retrieved it, or Voldemort would lure young Harry to the Department of Secrets. He hoped that he could keep his cover of hating the boy, which was semi-true, as he did truly dislike the boy who represented the love Lily had for James, shoving his unrequited love in his face day after day.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

There it was again, the strange sensation that over washed her when someone outside of her was explaining momentous occasions of her life. Plain as day. His voice was cool and even, spelling out the moment of her demise as if it were a trip to the Healer. Lily was an enigma, then. Her insides twisted in a way that unsettled her, and she couldn’t bring herself to focus on one emotion, at least to experience it. She just felt hollow, as if she didn’t exactly believe what she was hearing. Though, she knew he wasn’t lying. He never lied, not to her; not about something so paramount. Every word he spoke was taken in with great reservation, enough to register but not enough to hurt, as if she were trying to distance herself from her emotions entirely, lest she would be lost.

In some ways, she supposed she wasn’t surprised. When Lily and Severus had gone their separate ways, she knew that it wasn’t forever. She knew, at some point, they would cross paths again. She knew that when she saw him again it would be with a wand draw and pointed toward him, ready for conflict. She knew that if she were to die that he would somehow be involved, because that was what fate had decided for them both. It seemed like a cruel joke to force them apart in such a manner. But the betrayal, she knew, would have hurt all the same. The first person to ever accept her would be the one to take her life. It was almost poetic.

Lily turned to him, her emerald eyes intercepting his gaze as he fell silent. She didn’t know what to say to him, or know if it were even worthwhile to try. The ties of their bonds seemed almost irreparable, and even then that seemed like it should have been impossible. Did she not have an ally in this place at all? Was there a person in this world that hadn’t betrayed her? She supposed there was one, but he was dead… Dead long before she even had the chance to know him, really. Now she was stuck with someone she had once loved very deeply, but had also cemented her demise. Even with that in mind, there was a serene calm about her, almost as if she were confused. Why take responsibility if he had no pride in what he did? Why try to protect if one did not hold regret? Perhaps he had changed, but she didn’t know what it meant to her.

“You’re taking responsibility for my murder?” she asked, pulling her hair over her shoulder again. “Why are you admitting that to me?”

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Severus watched her as she turned, the deep dark eyes of his meeting her bright emerald eyes, trying not to show the conflicting thoughts that were entering his mind at that moment when their eyes met. He did not want to lie, nor did he want to tell the complete truth. To withhold one key ingredient to the full truth and explanation to the regret he had felt all these years over being a key person in her demise. If he hadn't been such an idiot back then, perhaps Lily would never had died, because Voldemort would never have known about the prophecy. If he could change just one thing, it would be that moment when he joined the Death Eaters, even if it meant that he would've lost Lily to James for the rest of his life. At least then he would not have committed his final act of betrayal to the woman he loved.

Their eyes locked for a second before he broke the link, looking towards Lily's old house, not wanting to see those eyes turn to hatred, because even if he knew that his remorse that he felt may help with the relationship, which seemed nearly all lost, he did not think he would be able to take her reaction all at once. Severus was so very worried that she would hate him forever, that they could never mend their relationship, that he could never see her without her hating or at least disliking him. To have done all he had to her, he wouldn't have forgiven himself. But she was such a good person, and Severus just only hope that she would be more forgiving than himself.

"It was my fault. The only way I have been able to live with myself is the fact I've watched over your son, trying to atone for my terrible mistake. And even still, the regret I have has been eating away at me," Severus admitted still refusing to look at her in the eye, simply looking at Lily's old house.

The fact that he looked over Harry as best as he could around the boy, whom he disliked, just not as much as he seemed to show. At least Harry did not turn into James, and he wanted to make sure of that, resulting in some of the animosity that abounded. Severus Snape had protected the boy, or at least tried. He went against Voldemort, risking his cover as spy, trying to protect Harry, while being careful to shield his position as best as he could at the same time. But Severus couldn't help him all the time, and so he felt useless sometimes when Harry was in danger.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

Severus averted his eyes away and explained himself further, taking deeper responsibility for her death. It was such a simple, innocent action. It was something that no one else would have ever noticed, or possibly would have just attributed to his discomfort with intimacy. But, to Lily, there was something about the movement that struck her, the way he stared at her childhood home while speaking of his regret. It was almost dirty. Each word he spoke toward her sanctuary seemed to defile it, and all the while he refused to say these things to her. It made her feel invisible, or insignificant.

Then, Lily Evans snapped.

“Look at me!” Her voice was like a gunshot, tearing through her throat and into the air with more violent force than she could have ever intended. She felt her body began to shake with rage, as suddenly everything she was trying to hold back came pouring forth, spreading through her viscera like wildfire. “I hated that about you! You couldn’t for a minute look me in the eye whenever you opened up to me just a little! I hated it! And you would do it to me now, when telling me that it’s your fault I died?!” The fire was intense, burning within her chest and fueling her ire. Her voice quivered violently with every word she spoke, seeming almost as if it were about to falter into tears, but she couldn’t stop. She didn’t want to stop. “Please, Severus, if you ever respected me once you’d look me in the eye when you tell me that you wanted me dead. You owe me that much. After everything, you owe me at least that!”

Lily had pushed herself to the place of no return. In a rare lapse of self-control, she plummeted into an emotional down spiral, and there was nothing she could do to stop it. All at once she felt the tears come, burning horribly in her eyes before escaping them to fall down her flushed cheeks. Her entire body was shivering from this veritable maelstrom of emotional turmoil, and her legs faltered beneath her as she fell to her knees. Her cries were violent, stealing the breath from her lungs and leaving her weak. She cried for everything she lost, for her life, and for every bit of regret that she held onto. She sobbed for a lifetime of mistakes and for the complications that led her to decisions she had never wanted to make. Lily desperately wanted to forgive him. She wanted to think that just because she had not experienced her own demise that she could ignore the fact that he had wanted her dead, but she knew she couldn’t. How he must have hated her, she knew, if he had wanted her dead so badly… Maybe not now, but he had once. And that hurt more than anything. It hurt enough to make her not want to thank him for protecting her child… What was the point?

“What happened to you, Severus?! What did I do to you to make you so angry at me?! I thought I knew you! You were so important to me, and then all of a sudden years and years of friendship don’t matter! It was like all of a sudden I was so bloody disgusting to you!” With the last of her tirade spent, she allowed the grief to overcome her and buried her head into her hands as her entire body quaked from her weeping.