i used to know you so well --* SEVERUS

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Her voice was like a gun shot through his head, shattering his emotional shields for but a second. He looked towards her immediately, half because of surprise, the other half because he did not want to make it seem like he didn't care. In fact, he cared a lot more than she thought, which was the reason he had beat himself up so badly for telling about that blasted prophecy. Seeing her so upset tore him apart, knowing it was yet again his fault for her grief. Why could he never seem to say the right thing?


"I never wanted you dead," Severus said, stressing the word never, looking at her with her head buried In her hands, "I had told the Dark Lord about the prophecy, because I thought it would gain me a favor, because it looked like he was going to win this war, no matter what anyone would do, and you would be in trouble. It didn't happen that way, and so I turned to Dumbledore. I wanted to keep you alive, and I tried my best to pull as many strings as I could to keep you alive. It failed in the end."

It seemed that no matter what he did, he always failed in the end. Sure, the only thing of importance up to this point was keeping Lily safe, and everyone knew what had happened to her. Severus was tempted to place his hand on her shoulder, to try to comfort her, but as soon as he lifted his arm up, he clenched his fist, dropping it back at his side. He did not deserve contact with her, and he was sure it would not help her feel any better than she was right now. In fact, she hated him right now. How could he even explain that everything he had done from then on was for the Order, and that it was because he felt so guilty for her death? That he was the one who caused her death, and felt he had to atone for his sin, supporting the people who supported her, and tried to protect her.

"The prophecy was about a boy, who could destroy the Dark Lord, and your son fit the description. Voldemort wanted to kill your son before he could defend himself and destroy Voldemort. Before your son could fulfill the prophecy. I never thought that he would think your son was the one who would destroy him in the end, and that Voldemort would deny my only request of him, which was to protect you," Severus added to his explanation.

The prophecy was important to her understanding what he had done. Had he known that Lily would be targeted, he never would have told Voldemort about the half prophecy he had heard. He was young and foolish, believing that Voldemort really would grant him the one request of saving Lily from death. Of course, Voldemort did not, which showed just what Voldemort really thought of him; that he was just a tool to be used, and thrown away when he wasn't needed. While his service with Dumbledore was similar, he was much more valuable to Dumbledore. And being needed was something he had wanted since he was a child.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

She supposed he thought his words were comforting, but how they could be when he couldn’t even understand? He could regret his actions, but he also tried to justify them. It was so strange when she tried to understand where he was coming from. It was as if he believed that saving her, and her alone, would have been enough to make her see reason. However, it was obvious that he was blind to her plight. He was blind to what siding with the Dark Lord meant. She remembered stories her father had told her about her grandfather about the Muggles’ own wars… She remembered hearing it and feeling as if she were in the same position as the muggles of history, locked, trapped, hated and killed for being born the way she was. And Severus… Severus was from a world where people thought she did not belong.

“You think that’s enough?” she managed to make herself say in between sobs, her voice quivering violently. “That because you wanted to spare me, that I’ll…” she paused, giving a cough, as she wiped her tears on her sleeve. She didn’t know how to form her words, it seemed all too difficult at the moment, with the way her mind was fuddled and drowned in waves of blind emotion. She couldn’t argue like this, she could just vent, and no amount of eloquence would have helped at all. The news was like a knife in the heart, and his words twisted the blade within her. When she felt the wave of calm wash over for a brief second, it began to bubble and froth to the surface again, with another wave of vehement agony.

“He would have killed my son, Severus!” she screamed. “And so long as my life was spared, you would have done that to me?! You would have stolen that from me? And for what? They would have reached me sooner or later, Severus! They would have – and there was nothing you could have done!” She suddenly lurched upwards, attaching herself to the lower half of his body as she sobbed into his cloak. Her fingers gripped at him, scratching into the fabric almost as if she wished to tear the flesh away from him. “I’m a Muggleborn!” she hissed at him in a strained voice, quiet enough for only him to hear. “I was a target. You were my best friend. You were the one that told me that it didn’t matter if I was Muggleborn! You said… you said…”

She gave up again. Her voice faltered into tears again, and her fingers ceased their clawing. She bowed her body against his, sobbing loudly into his robes. There was nothing to be done… nothing to be said. She had lost herself and there was no use to hold back the storm. It felt like relief in some ways, to release all of this into the air – to say things she had always wanted to say. But she supposed it didn’t matter now, nothing mattered now. She didn’t know who she was or what she was doing, and that only seemed to upset her further.

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Severus could not help but feel even worse as she sobbed even more. He swore he would never do this again to Lily, make her this sad, but here he was, making the same mistakes over and over again. He had sworn that ever since the two parted ways he would do his best to not hurt her like this, and so he avoided her; after all, he couldn't say the stupidest things if he never saw her to say those things, even if his absence also hurt her at the same time. He assured himself that he would cause more hurt being around her than staying away, but at the same time, it was more than enough punishment for him, to only be able to watch after her from afar. He held no love for James, that was for sure, because he was the one who had Lily, and not him... as well as the fact that James made his life a living hell during his time at Hogwarts, which was his only sanctuary besides Lily's place he had in his life.

"I did not think of that at the time, Lily," Severus replied, trying to keep his emotions under-wraps, which was harder as she continued to sob, "I thought that you were the only one I had to protect, and that there was no one else I cared about more than you. I was a young and foolish man, and I realized that when you had sacrificed yourself for your son, that you could not live happily without him. Dumbledore had told me everything that happened that night that I had not already observed. I had arrived not long after Voldemort had murdered you, and seeing you there, broken and dead, had hurt me more than anything else in the world had ever done." And that was saying something, because his lack of love from his parents hurt him quite a bit as he grew up, the feeling that he had parents who did not love him, while everyone else seemed to have parents who loved them more than life itself. That loneliness that came along, separating him from the others with parents, hurt him for all his life, and even still did. But losing Lily was even worse.

"Dumbledore had told me about how special your son was. I had never realized it before, how you could love your son so much," Severus continued, his voice with hints of his remorse and sadness sneaking in, "I was an idiot, who did not realize the power in a parent's love for their child. When I finally met your son, I knew it immediately, because he has your eyes, Lily. Even though Voldemort was defeated, Dumbledore knew that he would come back eventually, and I knew that I had to protect your son, because it was my stupidity that had caused him to lose his parents, who would have loved him so dearly, unlike your sister and her family. I had placed him in a situation much like my own childhood, though it still was much better than the treatment that my parents had given me. I could not forgive myself, even if he had the face of James Potter."

In Severus's mind, he was not sorry that James was dead, but he would have been a bit sorry if James had survived, and lost everyone who would have loved him, which meant his friends would've had to be lost as well. Not even James Potter deserved to have no one, even if he had earned death in Severus's mind. To have been one of the reasons that Lily's son had to grow up in a neglectful household and one of those who sealed Lily's death, had been terrible. He did care for Harry Potter, despite his look bringing back the bad memories of school and the absolute torture he had gone through; Harry was the symbol of his mistakes, and forced him to see the consequence of his actions everyday. Harry was not a bad child, and Severus did like it when Harry got in trouble, because he had always wanted to see James get in trouble and NOT like the trouble. Severus had tried his best to make Harry not like James, and whether his taunting and such helped keep him away from the Marauder mindset, he felt like he had done the best and the result was that Harry was not like his father.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

She didn’t know she could listen to him, but she did. Lily took in his every word, even as she continued the assault against his clothes, staining them with her tears. But as he spoke, it seemed almost as if he could understand… As if he had grown… as if he had held regret… As if he hadn’t wanted the things he had wanted before… But it was so hard not to hold a grudge, so hard to simply ignore what he had done simply because he had continued on to protect what he had almost destroyed… She had died, her husband died…

But then again, she thought, you did not care for your life enough to run away from death. You loved your son. He protected that love. The realization struck her rather heavily, the clarity of it ringing her mind like a church bell. All at once she felt a heaviness lift away from her, and she almost buckled against him again. She was merely weighted down by the strength of her grasp against his body. These things felt fresh and new because they were. She was a mere product of the past, forced forward here and juxtaposed against a man who had long ago regretted his actions – who no longer had the desires he once had in his youth, or the drive to do what he once thought was right. His past was written – a past that she had once existed in, but no longer was now. He was different. She was not.

That was their dissonance.

Lily could feel the fear inside her well up – from what he said, it could be inferred that Dark Lord had not stayed dead, like the Ministry had told her. But she was ready to face him then, was she not? She was ready to fight. Now, this Severus… A Severus she had never known, was ready to fight as well. He was on her side. He protected her child… even if… even though it had come from someone that had hurt him so deeply. That had to mean something, didn’t it? There was good in that, wasn’t there?

She fell to silence. Her movements were slow, then, as she slowly tilted her head upward to stare up at his face. He was staring down at her, emotionless as ever, watching her as she made a fool of herself in the middle of a neighborhood. Lily’s emerald eyes were red and damp, staring at him wide in wonder. Her cheeks were flushed and her lips were parted slightly as tiny pants fell through them. She watched the movements of his face, taking in every detail as she prepared herself for something that she had never expected herself to do, even though she had wanted to. “Severus…” Her name fell through her mouth quietly, in a begging sort of way, addressing him with lightness and, perhaps, slight affection.

“I… I forgive you.”

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

No other three words had affected him so much before. That set of three words was number two on his list of three word phrases he wanted Lily to say to him. I hate James, was number three on the list, but number one was one that would assure him that his feelings were not in vain. He had imagined it many times before, but he never had imagined it truly would have ever happened. The shattering effect of those three words hit Severus like a hammer against his head. It was like someone had granted a wish he wanted for many years. It was even greater than having the ease of mind that her life was not completely lost, and that Harry still had survived.

However, at the same time, disbelief and anger boiled up inside of himself. How could she forgive him? He had sealed her death! Just because he had watched over Harry, which he hadn't done a good job on, because Harry was still in trouble, and failed in his duties as a spy, as he had yet to present very much good information to Dumbledore, he had just as well killed her and just a second ago had made her cry! How could someone forgive him for his many mistakes over the years so easily. She mustn't understand the severity of his crimes, but she was a smart woman, and he knew that very well. Maybe she understood his severity of crimes better than even he did, either that or she was in the state that she still held like for him, unlike himself. Severus had never forgiven himself, because it had cost his best friend and love of his life to lose her life, leaving her son with people who Severus was sure did not love him.

"How?" Severus asked looking down at her shining emerald eyes. He did not doubt that she believed she had forgiven him, but he wasn't going to forgive himself just because she had. One usually could forgive themselves after knowing that the one they had wronged forgave them, but Severus wasn't ready for that. He would never forgive someone else if they had done the acts he did, but perhaps eventually he could get over it, and forgive himself. He did not know how he could have been so stupid as to let himself commit such acts against the woman he loved, the woman he would always love, the woman he had always loved.

"How could you forgive me for what I have done? You had died. Died because of me, and you can just forgive me? All I have done was to try to atone for my crime, but killing someone, someone whom I care very much for, is not easily forgiven."

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

“I don’t know.” It was honest. She didn’t know how she could have the capacity to forgive him for all of these things, and yet she had. It made her feel better, in the least. The burden she had been carrying with her anger, with that grudge, had been lifted away with that epiphany. Certainly, there were still things there caused her grief but at least this small amount of pressure had been taken away. She wasn’t exactly surprised at his response, she knew that Severus would be the last person who would ever take kind words seriously… or believe them with any great certainty. But what she said held truth, and it meant something to her… It meant she was able to let go. She had never been able to let go.

“You said the Dark Lord gave me the chance to step away,” she said to him slowly, deliberately, as if she were trying to reason with herself as well as him. “He heeded your request. He was going to be spare me. I didn’t let him. It was my choice. I wanted to die protecting my son. You didn’t kill me. I decided to die, because there was no way I would have ever given up something as precious as my child for the sake of my own life…” The words felt unnaturally second hand to her. She could sense the sincerity in it as she gave this confession. It was powerful, going through the motions of an event that she had never experienced. It still felt real, and since her mind was her own, she figured that this was what she had reasoned when the time had come. She had loved her son enough to die for him.

Lily stood. She found strength enough to be on her own two feet again, but her eyes never left him. She held their gaze with such ferocious determination, only blinking to force the tears away. For the first time this week, and perhaps for a while, she felt empowered. If this was her life now, she would make it on her own terms. “I am still only Lily Evans,” she began. “And you – you’ve changed. You’re not the boy I knew. You’re someone else entirely, someone I never thought I would meet. You carry his name and you carry his face, but you aren’t the boy you were fifteen years ago. That’s enough for me. That’s why I can forgive you.”

She sniffled and straightened out her clothes. “You don’t have to believe me, or accept it. That’s not of consequence to me. But what helps me is knowing that I get a second chance again. I don’t know you, Severus…. Not anymore. But I guess I will one day, won’t I?” Lily took another second to straighten out her hair, trying to make herself look more presentable and put together. “You don’t have to give me that chance, not if you don’t want. But I have some changes I need to make in myself. That’s what matters to me.”

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Severus thought over her answer to the reason she could have forgiven him already. His first impulse was to accept it, and let the two of them get to know each other even more, even though he knew nearly everything about her, while she knew little of him now. He wanted so much to just accept it, and let his mind rest at ease that she had forgiven him, that she did not hate him for his actions in the past. The fact that she had viewed it as her own fault she died, made him nearly explode, not letting her think for a second her death was her own fault, because that would just take the blame off of him for his actions. He didn't though, as Severus was great at hiding the emotions he was feeling, and stayed outwardly calm.

He couldn't accept that he was forgiven. It would mean that he had done enough to atone for his crime. Severus felt that he had done so little to earn such forgiveness. He looked over her son, yes, because she had given her life for the boy. It meant that she loved the boy, and he wanted to protect anything that she loved so dearly, unless it was James Potter. Because then he wouldn't. But her son wasn't James, even if he looked like him. His eyes were hers, the beautiful emerald eyes, which were staring at him right now.

It was almost surreal that he was talking with Lily. He thought the only time he would see her emerald eyes would be when he looked at those eyes on James's face, on Harry. And so when he had zeroed in on her eyes, it almost seemed as though he was talking with Harry. However, the words coming from the one with those eyes were not from Harry, and so he decided it was because he was not used to seeing those eyes for a long time one her, and not Harry. Severus Snape would have felt his goal accomplished if eventually Harry were to respect him and his actions, forgiving him for his mistakes as a young man who made all the wrong choices, learning from them, and trying to make himself better from those mistakes. He was sure that Harry would never do that, but he could hope. And now hearing Lily forgive him, it was like Harry's forgiveness he had once thought would be nice, because if Harry forgave him, then Lily would have too, right?

"You would not have had to face that choice," Severus answered, slowly, with hints of what he was feeling, slight anger, remorse, and happiness all mixed into one, dripping like a sink with a very small leak, "You would have had at least more time. Even if it was just a day, a week, a year, it marked your death as sooner than intended, because of me." Severus was a very stubborn man, and he felt that if she could really forgive him, he would be able to forgive himself eventually, but he didn't want to forgive himself. It was almost as if he had decided that never getting that forgiveness was his ultimate punishment. Just because she had come back, did not make his crime not as severe.

"I suppose I have changed; those I serve, those I support," Severus conceded, having come to that conclusion a little bit earlier, but there was one thing she said there, he did feel he needed to comment on, "Being only Lily Evans is not a bad thing, by any stretch of the imagination." Sure, she probably just meant that as he already knew her, but he figured that just made things easier than completely starting from scratch. He wanted a second chance at his relationship with Lily, to make her love him, and not any other man who may catch her fancy, like James.

Severus knew his answer right away when Lily said that it was up to him whether he would let the two of them have a second go at their friendship. If only this had happened before he had joined the inner circle of the Dark Lord so many years ago, and perhaps things would've turned out differently. "I do want to give you that second chance. I have wanted this second chance ever since we went our separate ways." He never wanted to go separate ways, but they did. And so, ever since then, he had wished the two of them could get together. Though he did not tell Lily, he thought to himself that she was just perfect the way she was and that she did not need to change herself, but he felt that it would be smarter to leave that in his mind.

[LILY MARIE EVANS]

His stubbornness shown through even after she had made herself clear, but she supposed that she had expected such a reaction from him. He had changed in many respects, but some things still remained the same. She supposed that she was alright with this realization, since it gave her some sort of ground for her to connect with him on. Either way she wasn’t going to protest further against his words, or try to stir up an argument she did not want to fight. Her body was still wrecked and exhausted from her short, but intense, emotional outburst and she couldn’t bring herself to start all over again. If Severus wanted to continue with the self-degradation, she wasn’t going to stop him. She couldn’t force him.

When had Lily Evans ever been able to force Severus Snape to do anything?

This journey was hers now. She wasn’t going to get dredged down in his spiral of self-loathing, even if it was a sorry thing to witness. The parts of her that cared for him still remained rather insistent that she try to comfort him, but she resisted. It wasn’t exactly her place, was it? This was no longer her Severus. She didn’t know or understand his thoughts, beyond what he had told her. It was a good base for the beginnings of something new, at least she could look forward to that. In the meanwhile, the two of them had a lot of time to get acquainted now, didn’t they? Lily shivered slightly, feeling suddenly exposed when she took notice of her surroundings again. Perhaps it wasn’t best to stay here anymore.

“Severus,” she said his name quickly as she shook her head. “No more talking of the past, please. I can’t do anything worthwhile if I’m stuck thinking about everything that was and all the injustice. I’ve had a long day. I’ve had a lot to take in and now I have to make plans. Would you be kind enough to escort me back to your home? There are a few people I need to contact.” Lily sighed then, briefly, as she wiped her face of tension. “If you want to talk more I suppose we’ll have the chance later. We have a whole summer as well.”

Lily needed to remain positive. She needed to remain cool and collected, otherwise what good she would be to anyone? She didn’t know how she would be able to manage it, considering that with every second that passed she wanted to tear at her own body and scream. But she supposed, as any desperate person would, that if she kept her head in the air that eventually the pain would stop and she could make the most of what she had now.

[SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE]

Despite the fact that Lily wanted to drop it, Severus wanted to continue this talk they were having, because it did make him feel better, yet punished at the same time for his misdoings. However, he did not make this information shown. He truly was trying to make his crimes punish him forever because he couldn't be a hypocrite and let those who hurt him not get his forgiveness while he could simply forgive himself because Lily forgave him. However, Severus did as she requested and dropped his point. It was almost as if he wanted her eternal hatred, despite her return, in order to make him feel better that his punishment was good enough then for such a crime.

"Of course," Severus replied with a small curt nod, returning to his completely professional look, while still maintaining eye contact, not wanting for Lily to get angry at him for looking away like before, even if he wasn't saying anything of great importance, unlike then. He was tempted to correct her on saying that Spinner's End was his home, when his home was really at Hogwarts, with his loathing of his childhood house, while everything he had before was at Hogwarts or with the Order. He decided that little fact was not important to point out.

"Let us return," Severus stated, breaking eye contact now, feeling it was now the time to do so, and turning towards where they would be walking to get back to his house. "We'll talk if you wish it, Lily," Severus added, with the smallest hint of a small creeping onto his face, before it quickly disappeared. He didn't want to make it seem like the impenetrable Severus Snape was not as impenetrable as everyone thought, even if it was just around Lily. He couldn't get too comfortable around the love of his life right now, or she could be in more trouble than she was at the moment.