Praying For Love, Paying In Naïvety [Sirius/Alice]

[ALICE KEMPTON TURNER]

Sirius,

If you want me to be perfectly honest, I don't really know why I'm writing this letter. Just need someone to talk to, I suppose. They wouldn't let me see you, either. I wonder, will they read my letter before they give it to you? Will they even let you have it?

I hope so.

I imagine by now you must have heard about what happened to me—the old me, I mean. Tortured, can you believe it? Left alone in St. Mungo's, a shell of my former self. I'm actually writing from there. This is the only time they'll let me out of the Ministry since neither Marcus nor Quinn has come to fetch me. This whole 'custodian' idea is awful, isn't it? Treating us as if we're zoo animals? And what happens to those that don't have anyone?

What about you? [this phrase is scribbled out, but it is just barely readable]

Speaking of St. Mungo's, the only reason they let me come here is because of Frank. Can you believe I was married to him, of all people? I would have never imagined. Sure, he was a nice enough guy in school, but to spend the rest of my life with him? And apparently I have a child, did you know that? Imagine my shock when they told me about him. I don't know what I'm supposed to feel, Sirius. I don't know. Am I supposed to feel like a mother?

Sorry for unloading all of this onto you. It just...it makes me feel better to have someone to talk to. And I thought isolation would be a bit boring, after all.

~ Alice

[SIRIUS ORION BLACK]

Dearest Alice,

It's so nice to have contact with someone! They haven't allowed me to see any of my friends, but these Death Eaters Ministry Officials people insist that I am not to be trusted. It was a very lucky thing that they allowed it. Maybe if Peter were to send me a letter we could talk. They seem to allow letters, but they won't even let me out of my room. I wouldn't put them past reading all of my letters.

You were tortured?!? What could they had wanted? I hadn't heard much about others, they were too busy telling me about what a terrible person I turned out to be. A chip off the old block apparently. I would never have let that happen to you, nor anyone I care about. What kind of person did I turn into to not have been there for you and everyone else? This custodian thing is awful; I don't apparently have anyone. Though I bet it's because these Death Eaters want me to feel alone and believe this whole story. [this part is scribbled out and somewhat readable if one really tries hard to read it]

Frank was a nice bloke I suppose, and I could see you marrying him eventually, but you having a kid? I bet you were the prettiest mom of our age. Anyways, I wouldn't think that your son would expect that. I mean, you're technically not a mom yet in your mind, right? At least, I don't think your son should, but I'm not him. Frankly, I wouldn't even believe anything these people tell us. [scratched out quite completely, but if one looks at it from the back, they could read it with work] It will all work out in the end. It always does. Just think of how you must have felt when you had him. You did want a kid right?

The more I hear about myself and the others, the more unrealistic it seems. Could this have truly been our future for just disagreeing with V[an inkblot covers the rest of the word]? They say I joined him, and betrayed my friends, but that is completely stupid. I would never do that, right? They say that I killed Peter, James and Lily married and I brought them to their deaths, Iasa was killed, and Remus! They say that he was found to be a werewolf. Isn't that ridiculous?

I really hope everything turns out good in the end. Maybe this time we can change what happened to us if they really are telling the truth that this is the future, and have a happier future.

~ Sirius Black

[ALICE KEMPTON TURNER]

Dear Sirius,

Oh dear. They've got you caged up like an animal? It's not right! It's not fair! I'll have to talk to someone about that, although I doubt that they'd listen to me. Hardly anyone does. Not to be trusted? Poppycock! You are one of the most trustworthy and loyal people I know; who do they think you are?! [the writing in this paragraph has grown increasingly messy; it is clear that the author was anxious or frustrated]

[the rest of the letter is in a different ink color, as if one had taken a break before continuing]I honestly don't know. No one will tell me why Frank and I were subjected to such horrors, simply that we were. What could I have possibly done to deserve that, Sirius? No, no, no, do not say that! Do not fall into their trap! You, Sirius Black, are not a horrible person. If anyone is, it's the person who did that to me. Looks like we're both alone in this...I suppose the two of us will just have to stick together, then.

Oh, Sirius, you flatter me. [this sentence is furiously scratched out] I believe that your future w [inkblot] Right now, I'm not even a wife. I don't know how to love; I haven't learned yet. Besides, there hasn't been any occasion for me to try the idea of dating out. I'd much rather spend time with the animals, you see. As for Neville (that's what they've told me his name is), I don't know if I've always wanted a kid. Everything's topsy-turvy now, you see? I'm not sure of nearly anything anymore...except that I trust you.

Of course not. The more I talk to you, the more I think that they really are just making it all up. Perhaps we really have been captured. What?! Killed Lily and James? No, no, that is impossible! Didn't you say that Lily was the one girl that James could never get? And besides, you loved your friends, Sirius. You were completely loyal to them. I wouldn't believe another word they say either, if I was you can't believe that this is—no, was our future. You're right, everything does always work out. And if it doesn't, well, then we'll just have to make sure that we change the future. After all, I'm not particularly keen on being tortured again, and I doubt you'll enjoy Azkaban.

I'll have to leave soon; my visits to Frank are being limited. Apparently, I'm upsetting him with my presence. I don't know what I've done. I just...I feel a bit guilty that it was me. Why not both of us? Why just me? I'm not positive if they'll let me give letters to you or not, but I will find a way to keep in touch. I'm not a Gryffindor for nothing, after all!

~ Alice

[SIRIUS ORION BLACK]

Dearest Alice,

Don't worry about it. I'll get out of here eventually. I've managed to sneak out of my room once before and walk around before they found me. I keep forgetting that I shouldn't say things that they wouldn't want to know... Just the way they look at me screams that they believe I'm a murderer, it's not fun at all. [this had been written in the dark, so it is diagonal down the page, some intersecting each other.]

[The writer of such an amazing letter has now found the light, having previously given up on finding it.]

I really am very lonely here, and I wish I could see anyone, like you or the Marauders. I won't believe that James is dead. I was just at his house a few weeks ago, and now they say he's dead. How could they expect me to believe something so outrageous? My life turned into a pile of dung, everyone I cared about died, or was Remus, who was left all alone. I always prided myself with the fact that I could protect my friends and keep them from dying, knowing I would die before betraying them. I can't believe I betrayed my friends. I can't believe this story. I can't believe that I was just like my family. I can't believe I left my one remaining friend alone. I can't believe any of this. [this paragraph was scratched out fiercely as if the author was furious with himself for expressing what was written here after the rest of the letter was written so some scribbles continued a little into both paragraphs around it.]

It was those snakes, I'm sure of it. I wouldn't be surprised if Bellatrix, Snivellus and Malfoy teamed up against you to make you suffer because you were a good person. I'll kill them for you [this part of the sentence to the period was squeezed in after the next part as if it were an afterthought] and Frank. How else could you explain me letting all of what happened, happen? How could I have not protected James and Lily? It's either I became a terrible person, or they are lying to all of us. How do we not know this isn't an elaborate plot to make use believe we're in the future? How do we know they invented these terrible futures to make us believe that we had such terrible futures? How do I know this isn't just a dream? I'm sorry, I really shouldn't ask you all of this, but I can't think of any other explanation for such an outrageous story they are telling us. It's not like we're some people in a dark book written by some person who likes punishing the good guys, right? I'll always be here, if you ever need someone especially in this messed up fantasy world they're telling us we live in.

I was only telling the truth, you beautiful angel. Loving isn't something you learn. James says that it's something you just feel when you least expect it, and you know, he's the master of being in love, and not being able to do anything about it. He'd have moved on from Lily if he could help it. Hanging out with the animals? Like dogs?[Sirius snickered at this, though Alice wouldn't get it, and so he scribbled it out] Neville Longbottom. That's a pretty great name. Whether you wanted him or not, you have him. It's just as my dad said about me, he just had to deal with him. He's a good kid, I'm sure. How could a kid of yours not be? Anyways, it'll take time, but if you just spend time with the boy, get to know him, like a friend first, eventually when you get closer, I'm sure you'll feel that motherly bond. It's like an instinct of women, right? Something like material instincts.

Of course those two wouldn't get together! Lily hated James! I don't want to raze my confidence in James to you, but I don't even know what would have made her go against everything she's been against ever since he began pursuing her. No one could recover from that and be in a happy relationship. It's just crazy. I loved my friends very much, and I would've died before betraying them, they were my family. They were the ones who took in me as their friend; the boy raised by Death Eater enthusiasts, who wanted to be different. Without them, I would have turned into the person these "Ministry Officials" say I did. Maybe this is another universe where I never became their friends! But that'd be too crazy. They said I was friends with them anyways. I would take Azkaban if it meant preventing myself from hurting those I care about again. I would be fine with being tortured all the time, imprisoned and fed terrible food, if it meant preventing what happened before, this time around.

Please write whenever you can. How can you be upsetting him? You're always able to settle me when I'm upset, well, most of some of the at least occasionally. I'm thankful that at least one of you escaped that state, otherwise you would be stuck in it forever. I wish that James had come back, but they told me he wasn't here. But we have to move one, right? Soldier on through. Otherwise we'll find ourselves wasting the life that was gifted back to us. We don't want to do that right?

~ Sirius Black

[ALICE KEMPTON TURNER]

Sirius,

You're not a murderer. You never could be. The Sirius Orion Black that I knew know cares about his friends, loves them more than his life, even. He would do anything for them, absolutely anything. That's the man that I . Perhaps you should have been a Hufflepuff, for your immense amount of loyalty. I've always thought I should have been in that House.

How can I not worry about you [this portion has been stricken out so fiercely that the tip of the quill has torn through the parchment; the author was clearly rethinking her choice of words]? I walked by your room today; guards were everywhere. They're treating you like a criminal, Sirius. I tried to knock on your door, but they stopped me, advising me that "should I wish to live, I would not engage contact with a convicted murderer." Apparently, you are quite dangerous. To the hearts of the female population at Hogwarts, yes, but no more dangerous than that. And what is all this about being convicted? I would have liked to speak at your trial; I believe that I would have made a great character witness. Especially when I have so much to say.

I want to see you, Sirius. I'm all alone. [Once again, the parchment has been torn.] I haven't had a roommate, other than Cocoa, of course. She carries my letters to you normally, when I'm at St. Mungo's, but today I'm hoping to be allowed to slip it underneath your door. It will make it a bit more personal, don't you think? The feather enclosed is Cocoa's as well; it happens to be the same color as my hair, or so I've been told. I'm not sure why I sent it to you, but...she seemed like she wanted you to have it.

Don't call them snakes, Sirius! It's not right! What if they called us 'lions' all of the time?!
...
Okay, that was a bad example. Still, it's not right. And don't call him Snivellus, it's Severus. I bet I would be able to come up with a fat lot of names I could call you, but I shall not, because I'm "a good person," as you put it. I do agree with you, however. Bellatrix and Lucius never did seem to like me much, as did the rest of your family. No, don't kill them. You're not a murderer now, and I don't intend to turn you into one. Not for me [this part of the sentence is running into the spaces between the lines of the letter; it is written in a different ink color as well] or Frank. I don't know why I'm upsetting him; perhaps it's because I can walk and talk and move, and he cannot. Perhaps it's because my mind is intact, while his is not. I don't know, but I want to remedy it as soon as I can. I want to help him.

You protected them, you protected all of us. I don't think that they're lying, but we don't have the full truth either. I intend to get it for you for us for everyone whether they want me to or not. And don't apologize, not for being curious. We are in the future, though. How else do you explain the fact that everyone we knew is much older? Still, something is odd about all this. I'll always be here as well. I'll always need someone. I don't wish to be a burden on my brothers (God only knows where they are and why they haven't come to get me yet), and Frank obviously can't tell me anything...I need someone to keep me sane, Sirius. I need [inkblot].

Beautiful angel? I'm hardly either of those things. I'm just...Alice. And yes, the animals. I am particularly fond of dogs; they are just so sweet, loyal, and lovely to cuddle up with in front of the fire. Maternal instincts, not material! I don't know anything about him, so I suppose that you're right. These people need to let me out of confinement if I'm to do anything about him, however; they will only allow me to go to St. Mungo's and to Diagon Alley once. I needed a new wand, did you know mine had been destroyed? I saw Lily there as well...I was quite surprised that James didn't come back. I'm sorry. I know how you must have been missing your best friend.

Don't go to Azkaban. Please. I don't mean to seem insensitive about James' and Lily's deaths, but...I don't want to lose anyone else. I can't. After nearly coming back from an incapacitated state, I've realized just how precious life is, and you're right, we shouldn't waste it. So please, Sirius, if you ever do one thing for me, then do this: do not go to Azkaban. Don't leave me. [this last sentence is unreadable, and it was intended to be that way]

~ Alice