Post by SEVERUS TOBIAS SNAPE on Feb 2, 2013 3:05:47 GMT -5
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Severus Snape Journal Entry #1
The day was like any other day, an Order meeting before I return to the house of my childhood and of my future. I thought it was going to be just a normal day. Lily, of course was there, sitting there, her hair wet from just taking a shower. Just the fact that her hair was wet made me nearly loose control of my thoughts. Just the image of her in the shower...
And that wasn't even the worst part of it. We started talking, and it was fairly normal. She told me she had post by owl today, and I, being all mighty in knowing what to say, told her that people usually got mail by owl in the wizarding world, obviously trying idiotically at being humorous. She went on and requested that I try to get custody of her friend, Rhiannon Heathcote, the one Lily was really great friends with. I said I would try, and I smiled. I smiled! Of course, Lily noticed and pointed it out. I don't know what came over me then. I joked that I didn't know what she was saying, and then, she said I was mean. I, in my infinite wisdom, replied, 'I do try'. What sort of smart person says that?
Luckily, she thought it funny, and let it slide. She jokingly called me a curmudgeon, and I said that it was true. Why deny the truth? Lily asked what I did, and I told her I was the Potions Master, and she commented that me being a strict professor was unlike Slughorn, and I said that I Slughorn favored people and said she wasn't as good at Potions as I was. Then it became what really got to me today.
She stood right in front of me, swaying. It was almost like she was teasing me! But she couldn't know about my feelings, she hasn't been here but for a short time. I was so focused on her that I nearly forgot we were talking, she agreed that I liked making her angry. I do, just not an actual angry angry. The way her eyes stare into me when we were "arguing", it is just an amazing feeling. She said that it was a double standard that I could be mean to her, and she couldn't be mean to me. I said that I would be her professor soon, and that I would have to assign her detention.
My mind went on a rampage with that, with all the possible innuendos that could be associated with that. How I could punish her... I don't think that it would be good to write about all of it here.
She accused me of flirting, which was when I realized that I was. How could I have been so stupid? But anyways, I denied it when she asked, and then she hugged me. Being so close to her felt so good. Her smell, the feeling of her arms around him, it felt just so amazing. But I knew it couldn't continue, but I let it anyways. I wanted to tell her so badly that I loved her. I couldn't. I knew I couldn't, even if she hugged me, she doesn't feel the same. I don't know if I could take that rejection right now, so soon after getting her back.
I didn't even realize that I had said her name. She seemed so calm with me, as she hugged me, so much more at peace than I really had seen her since she came back. When she asked what I wanted to say, she pulled back for a second, and kissed my nose. She kissed me! I had the strongest urge to just lean and give her a kiss, so much, but I was able to resist that urge.
Then, I made a mistake with what I said. I said that that amazing hug would qualify as a form of flirting. I couldn't tell her what I wanted to, and I knew that she wasn't ready for me telling her how I missed her so much, how I thought of her every day, regretting killing her. I had to give an end to the embrace, and that comment did it. She did indeed left, but it was because she was then scared and ran away. I tried to stop her, I wanted to talk to her, but I allowed myself to let her go to her room. She needed to think things over.
I want to say that I made a terrible mistake for letting things go so far, for letting my emotions get in the way, but the feeling of her so close to me, was something I longed for. No matter what had happened today, I do feel much happier than I have in the last several years. I love Lily so much, even after all these years, seeing her again, meeting up with her like that, it really made me realize just how much I loved her. How much I would be willing to sacrifice for her; that I would do anything to see her happy.
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